Always Jokes / Recent Jokes

I thought it would be a nice idea to bring a date to my parents' house on Christmas Eve. I felt it would be interesting for a non-Italian girl to see how an Italian family spends the holidays. I truly thought my mother and my date would hit it off like partridges and pear trees.
Boy, was I wrong. Sue me!
I had only known Linda for three weeks when I extended the invitation. "I realize these family things can be a little weird," I told her, "but my folks are great, and we always have a lot of fun on Christmas Eve."
"Sounds fine to me," Linda said.
I had only known my mother for 30 years when I told her I'd be bringing Linda with me. "She's a very nice girl and she's really looking forward to meeting all of you."
"Sounds fine to me," my mother said.
And that was that. Two telephone calls. Two sounds-fine-to-me's. What more could I want?
I should probably point out that in Italian households, Christmas Eve is more...

1. IF YOU CONSIDER ONLY TAMIL AS THE MEDIUM OF INSTRUCTION IN ALL PLACES.

2. IF YOU EAT ONLY RICE ALWAYS.

3. IF WATER IS MORE PRECIOUS THAN GOLD BECAUSE WATER IS MORE PRECIOUS HERE.

4. IF YOU WILL NOT HELP ANOTHER TAM SUCCEED, IF HE SUCCEEDS YOU WILL BE THE MOST UNHAPPY PERSON IN THE WORLD

5. IF YOU THINK ANNA UNIVERSITY IS THE BEST FOR ENGINEERING AND YOU DON'T KNOW THAT THERE EXISTS AN IIT MADRAS

6. IF YOU SAY VANAKKAM TO A FOREIGNER INSTEAD OF SHAKING HANDS WITH HIM.

7. IF YOU CAN EVEN DARE TO TEASE A CHENNAI FEMALE.

8. IF THE ONLY CAREER OPTION IS IN SOFTWARE.

9. IF YOUR FINAL AIM TO LIVE IN USA EVEN THOUGH YOU WOULD BE A SWEEPER THERE.

10. IF YOU VOTE ONLY EITHER DMK OR AIADMK.

11. IF YOU ARE VERY STINGY TO SPEND ON AUTOS.

12. IF YOU HAVE RE. 1 WATER INSTEAD OF PEPSI WHEN YOU ARE THIRSTY.

13. IF YOU THINK S. RAMESH IS CAPABLE OF OPENING THE BATTING more...

1. Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.

2. Pronounce all one-syllable words with two.

3. When giving directions, finish with "and it's right down yonder on the left." Confuses the mess out of' em.

4. Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they're saying.

5. When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell' em "Delta's ready when you are!"

6. Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.

7. Refer to every soft drink as a Coke. (This really does annoy' em!)

8. Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it, raise a ruckus.

9. Offer to send' em a bottle of fresh air.

10. Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie-John Michael-Jim Bob.. . you get the idea)

11. Frequently bring up "The War of Northern Aggression" in conversation. If anyone ever more...

Never trust anyone who always tells the truth.

A Cynics Guide to Life:

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...

Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.

If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.

If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain more...

You should always show up at your funeral.

One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in. He was very good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the following Sunday. "9.30 okay?"George said, "Fine, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me."The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that he played left-handed and beat them.They agreed to meet the following Sunday at 9.30. George again said, "Okay, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me."The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he played right-handed and beat them again. "Okay, for 9.30 next Sunday?" one of the foursome asked.George said, "Sure if I'm ten minutes late?"Another golfer jumped in. "Wait a minute? You always say you may be ten minutes late. But you're always right on time and you beat us whether you play right or left handed."George said, "Well, that's true - I'm superstitious. If I wake up more...