Always Jokes / Recent Jokes

During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.Most dogs are immortal.If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition -even if you haven't been carrying any before more...

George CarlinAds in Bills: Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your billsnow? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels... I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank you." --------------------------------------------------------------Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff)' Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes. - ----------------------------------------------------------------CripesMy wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like' Cripes.' For Cripe's sake. Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of' Gosh?' of the church of' Holy Moly.' I'm not making fun of more...

Business Rules to Live By
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home more...

I always wanted to be a procrastinator... I just never got around to it.

Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found
that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other
applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning
Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources.
No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure
or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to
be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0
installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization
where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some
applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no
longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected
(even though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0
provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such more...

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence,
but when you get over there you find out it has to be mowed.

Tons of Puns
Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating: always use condiments.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor more...