Alone Jokes / Recent Jokes
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. St. Paul, MNThe hit movie "Home Alone" about a boy thwarting burglars with imaginative mayhem, wasn't total fantasy. Just ask the guy who tried to break in while 13-year-old Ryan Hendrickson was home alone. Ryan was watching television Wednesday night when he heard a noise that sounded like a window screen being cut."I ran to the closet and grabbed a bat," Ryan said Thursday. "I went... into the dining room, where I saw him cutting the window with a knife. He put his left hand in first and I was waiting for his right hand to come in... and I took the baseball bat and I hit him as hard as I could."The man ran. Ryan called 911. Police, while cautioning Ryan to call 911 first next time, did enjoy the fact that the kid got in the first lick against a bad guy.
Do I have your attention? Here is a theory....
1. Cats do what they want, when they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave their hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts.
Conclusion: Cats are little, tiny women in cheap fur coats.
What is a cat?
- Cats do what they want.
- They rarely listen to you.
- They are totally unpredictable.
- When you want to play, they want to be alone.
- When you want to be alone, they want to play.
- They expect you to cater to their every whim.
- They are moody.
- They leave hair everywhere.
- They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: They are tiny women in fur coats.
What is a dog?
- Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
- They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but they don't hear you when you are in the same room.
- They growl when they are not happy.
- When you want to play, they want to play.
- When you want to be alone, they want to play.
- They are great at begging.
- They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
- They leave their toys everywhere.
- They do disgusting things more...
As the woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?"
The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."
A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise more...
Your human walks into the kitchen. Does this mean?
a. It's hungry.
b. It's lost.
c. You're hungry.
d. Let the begging begin.
Your human puts down a bowl of food for you. Is this?
a. Supper.
b. Something s/he obviously wouldn't eat.
c. Something to keep you going till supper's ready.
d. Inedible junk to be scorned in favor of what the humans eat.
Your human removes you from the top of the television. Does this mean?
a. You're in trouble - better not do it again.
b. Nothing - humans do this from time to time.
c. The human wants to play, so climb up again to amuse it.
d. It is time to chew on the cable wire again.
Staircases are for:
a. Getting up to the human's bed at 4am.
b. Lying in wait in the dark at the top of.
c. Walking down just slower than the human in front of it.
d. All of the above.
Your human talks/yells at you. You should:
a. Listen intently, even if you don't understand.
b. Meow in more...
For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen.
The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I started to type, "Leave me alone!" They both jumped back, silenced. "Whaa??" the teacher blubbered.
Then I typed, "I said leave me alone!" The kid got really upset. "I didn`t do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.
Me: "Don`t touch me!"
Her: more...