Alice Jokes / Recent Jokes

Knock KnockWhos there! Alice! Alice who? Alice N. Tew if youll listen to me!

The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband. "I've been insulted," she sobbed. "Your mother insulted me."

"My mother!" he exclaimed. "But she is a hundred miles away."

"I know, but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it."

He looked stern, "I see, but where does the insult come in?"

"In the postscript," she answered. "It said:' Dear Alice, don't forget to give this letter to George.'"

Can you help me? asked Alice.No," said Negative. "I'm looking for a white consultant." Alice pointed in the direction she had been walking. "Did he go this way?" she asked. "No," said Negative. She pointed the other way. "Yes," said Positive. Soon Alice came upon a large brown table. The Consultant was there, as was an apparently Mad Hacker, and several creatures that Alice did not recognize. In one corner sat a Dormouse fast asleep. Over the table was a large sign that read "UNIX Conference." Everyone except the Dormouse was holding a paper cup, from which they were sampling what appeared to be custard. "Wrong flavor," they all declared as they passed the cup the cup to the creature on their right and graciously took the one being offered on their left. Alice watched them repeat this ritual three or four times before she approached and sat down. Immediately, a large toad leaped into her lap and looked at her as if it more...

Three young men, filled with Christmas cheer decided to serenade a number of their female acquaintances with songs of the season.
At Betty's house they sang the mistress's anthem, "God Rest Ye Married, Gentlemen" - and Betty welcomed the gesture warmly with a round of egg nog.
Encouraged, the trio moved on to Alice's house, where they crooned the lament of the cherubs under stress, "Hark, The Harried Angels Sing!" Alice rewarded the smigers with glasses of steaming punch.
Buoyed by the spirits of the moment, the troubadours stopped next at Ina's house. Unfortunately, no one was home. Keen to have her hear them, yet feeling somewhat fatigued by their musical efforts, the leader suggested that they return the next day. "After all" he observed "we can always carol Ina in the morning.

Little Johnny was at school when the teacher asked the class to come up with a sentence or a story containing the word "Lovely".
Well, Little Johnny was waving his hand in the air frantically. The teacher decided not to ask Little Johnny and picked Alice.
Alice got up and said, "Today it is sunny outside and the children are playing outside. What a lovely day!"
The teacher again did not want to ask Little Johnny who was still waving his hand in the air frantically. The teacher picked Billy to tell his story.
Billy got up and said, "I went to my sisters wedding last week. The church was decorated with flowers and ribbons. Everyone remarked that the bride and groom made a lovely couple."
By this time the teacher decided to ask Little Johnny since she could not think of anything he could say wrong with the word "lovely" in the story.
Little Johnny stood up and told his story. "The other day I was sitting at the dinning more...

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walked down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he found his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asked her, "What are you up to?"

Alice smiled. "I'm going hunting with you!"

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decided to take her along. Later they arrived at the hunting site. Jake set his wife safely up in the tree stand and told her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."

Jake walked away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant, much less a deer. Not 10 minutes passed when he was startled as he heard an array of gunshots.

Quickly, Jake ran back. As Jake got closer to her stand, he heard Alice screaming: "Get away from my more...

Ruby Alice walked up to the desk of a Bowling Green motel and signed the register with the letter "O." "Why'd you put that circle down?" asked the clerk. "Cause Ah can't write," replied the girl. "Why don't you sign with an' X'?" asked the man. "Ah used to," she answered. "But when Ah got me a divorce, Ah took back mah maiden name!"