Declared Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

    After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.

    Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

    When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."

    This is the story of the night my ten-year-old cat, Rudy, got his head stuck in the garbage disposal. I knew at the time that the experience would be funny if the cat survived, so let me tell you right up front that he's fine. Getting him out wasn't easy, though, and the process included numerous home remedies, a plumber, two cops, an emergency overnight veterinary clinic, a case of mistaken identity, five hours of panic, and fifteen minutes of fame.

    My husband, Rich, and I had just returned from a vacation in the Cayman Islands, where I had been sick as a dog the whole time, trying to convince myself that if I had to feel lousy, it was better to do it in paradise. We had arrived home at 9 p.m., a day and a half later than we had planned because of airline problems. I still had illness-related vertigo, and because of the flight delays, had not been able to prepare the class I was supposed to teach at 8:40 the next morning. I sat down at my desk to think and around ten more...

    The U.N. General Assembly declared on Monday that Afghanistan's presidential election was both credible and sound, despite allegations of ACORN voter-registration fraud.

    Yo momma so fat, scientists have declared her ass to be the 10th planet.

    There was a competition to cross the English channel doing
    only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race
    were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
    After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the
    shore and was declared the fastest swimmer. About 40 minutes
    later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared
    the second place finisher.
    Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and
    promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the
    reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race,
    she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but
    I think those two other girls were using their arms."

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