Ads Jokes / Recent Jokes

A few weeks before Christmas,
One Nine Ninety-Four,
The whole world was stirring with outrage galore.
The shockings related to gross lack of care
Whether all had the margin of error to spare.
Small companies nestled all snug in their pride
That their vision of equal respect had applied.
And papa with the trackball (I, saving my wrist)
Had just settled our brains for a game-maybe Myst.
When out on the net, in the press, such a clatter
And chatter arose! Here is what was the matter:
Away to the window I flew to find out
What Tom Nicely's discovery was all about.
Those ads on the TV and ads in the mags
Gave the luster of payday to all of their brags
When what to my wondering eye it appears



That the floating point error "news" is in arrears.
The error is bad. The arrears part is sick,
So I knew in a moment it wasn't Saint Nick!
More rapid than eagles, supporters they more...

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn`t be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example, observe the following examples below. The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40, 000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth." In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead." Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin` good" came out as "eat your more...

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish.............................. 49
Adventurous..................... Slept with all your friends
Athletic............................ No boobs
Average looking................. Ugly
Beautiful........................... Pathological liar
Contagious Smile................ Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure.............. On medication
Feminist............................ Fat
Free spirit.......................... Junkie
Friendship first................... Former slut
Fun.................................. Annoying
Gentle.............................. Dull
New Age........................... Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded..................... Desperate
Outgoing........................... Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate........................ Sloppy drunk
Poet................................. Depressive
Professional....................... more...

What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking -- "Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I'd better carpet the toilet too." Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly." Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person? Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel." Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go more...

Actual personal ads from actual newspapers:

I like driving around with my two cats, especially on the freeway. I make them wear little hats so that I can use the carpool lane. Way too much time on your hands too? Call me. SWF, 42, 5'10", brown/blue.

I want a man with a BIG heart, BIG hands, BIG feet, who is ready to enjoy BIG aspects of a playful woman.

Fat, flatulent, over-40, cigar-smoking redneck seeks sexy woman with big hair to cook, clean and pick up unemployment checks.

These are supposedly actual classified ads that have appeared in various papers across the world.
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT'S OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
TICKLE ME ELMO. NEW IN BOX. HARDLY TICKLED. $700
VALENTINES DAY SALE: TY-D-BOL BLUE TOSS-INS
STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15
DO SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR YOUR VALENTINE - HAVE YOUR SEPTIC TANK PUMPED.
FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BTH HOME.

These are supposedly actual classified ads that have appeared in various papers across the world.
FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
NORDIC TRACK $300 - HARDLY USED - CALL CHUBBIE at:
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING - "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
PRESIDENT'S CHOICE - COW MANURE - 2 33lb bags - $5
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
GEORGIA PEACHES - CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
NICE PARACHUTE - NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE - SLIGHTLY STAINED