Actual Jokes / Recent Jokes
Below are some actual quotes by doctors doing actual dictation on patients' records (with some comments by me). Could YOUR doctor sound like these? This is really scary! If I have to go to the emergency room and hear my doctor dictating like some of these, I'm going to RUN!!!
The patient denies pregnancy. (And I certainly think he should.)
She does a lot of work around the house. It is kind of localized in the left buttock area.
He was not to lift or drive his car.
For the last 48 hours, the patient was carrying a refrigerator up the stairs. (L-O-O-ONG stairs.)
An ultrasound was ordered on admission of the left foot. (and the patient came back to visit his foot almost evey day.)
Father is currently deceased. (So he may come back???)
She is a small-appearing elderly female. (She only appears small; she's actually 6 foot 2.)
The patient has no temperature today. (Really? The planet Pluto has a temperature!)
The patient has a questionable cousin with more...
Actual personal ads from actual newspapers:
I like driving around with my two cats, especially on the freeway. I make them wear little hats so that I can use the carpool lane. Way too much time on your hands too? Call me. SWF, 42, 5'10", brown/blue.
I want a man with a BIG heart, BIG hands, BIG feet, who is ready to enjoy BIG aspects of a playful woman.
Fat, flatulent, over-40, cigar-smoking redneck seeks sexy woman with big hair to cook, clean and pick up unemployment checks.
Actual headlines collected from local, national, and international newspapers that are rather ambiguous. It is clear what the writer was trying to say, but in each case there is a funnier interpretation of the headline. Enjoy!Eye Drops Off ShelfProstitutes Appeal to PopeKids Make Nutritious SnacksQueen Mary Having Bottom ScrapedDealers Will Hear Car Talk at NoonMilk Drinkers are Turning to PowderJuvenile Court to Try Shooting DefendantPanda Mating Fails; Veterninarian Takes OverTwo Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout CounterAstronaut Takes Blame for Gas in SpacecraftInclude Your Children When Baking CookiesOld School Pillars are Replaced by AlumniHospitals are Sued by 7 Foot DoctorsLawmen From Mexico Barbeque GuestsTwo Soviet Ships Collide, One DiesRed Tape Holds Up New BridgeIraqi Head Seeks ArmsHershey Bars Protest
These are actual comments left last year on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call.""Escalators would help on steep uphill sections." "Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness.""Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.""Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.""All the mile markers are missing this year.""Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.""Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.""Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these more...
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations. At my University's Student center Bathrooms: "If you see four feet instead of two under the bathroom door, please notify it immediately to the University Police." In the hallway of a High School in New Jersey "Our School: Commitment, Responsibility, Attitude, Persistance." Road sign in Roosevelt, Utah: "Rest Area Next Right" - the next right leads a person right into to a cemetery. A sign in the local opportunity shop says, "If your going to steal, then smile for the camera." While stopped at an intersection I noticed a man standing on the corner in front of a Burger King. He was holding a ign that read "Will work for food." If he had only looked up, he would have noticed that the Burger King sign directly a bove him read "Now hiring." At an office: "This job is only a test had it been an actual job, you would have recieved raises, bonses and more...
Actual' Country' Song Titles...
1. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
2. How Can I Miss You, If You Won't Go Away?
3. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven, And Your Buns In Bed
4. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth,' Cause I'm Kissing You Good-bye
5. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself, Or Go Bowling
6. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger
7. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
8. I Just Bought a Car From a Guy That Stole My Girl, but The Car Don't Run; so I figure we Got An Even Deal
9. I Keep Forgetten' I Forgot About You
10. I Liked You Better, Before I Knew You So Well
11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
12. I Wouldn't Take Her To a Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
13. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
14. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
15. Please more...
These are actual signs found around the world...
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A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago: Do not activate with wet hands.
At a car dealership: The best way to get back on your feet? Miss a car payment.
At A Laundry Shop: How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?
At a Music Store: Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner.
At a number of US military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel.
At a pizza shop: 7 days without pizza makes one weak.
At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: Invite us to your next blowout.
At a Towing Company: We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.
At a Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition.
At an Auto Body Shop: May we have the next dents?
At an optometrist's more...