"Where your Christmas Dollar goes?" joke
Statistics compiled by MAD Magazine Issue 228, January 1982. (Dated but still a relevant source). 40% - Presents. 6% - Presents with no useful functions. 4% - Presents with a function, but which will never be used. 10% - Presents the recipient will say they like, but really hate. 11% - Presents you really want for yourself, and plan to use after the intended recipients get tired of them. 6% - Presents for people you hate, but feel you have to buy for. -Presents the recipients will really like. 3% - T-shirts with writings on them. 21% - Decorations. 6% - Christmas tree (less if you're really cheap and wait till Dec. 24th to buy it!). 1% - Christmas tree lights to replace the ones that burned out last year. 1% - Christmas tree lights to replace the ones you stepped on this year. 2% - Christmas tree ornaments. 3% - Christmas tree ornaments hangers (includes the gas for that extra trip you always have to make back to store because there weren't enough hangers supplied with the ornaments). 1% - A new star for the top. 2% - Tinsel (which everyone will put on the tree incorrectly, starting a very bad. .. and possibly violent. .. family argument). 2% - Outdoor displays. 2% - Medical bills for injuries sustained while putting up outdoor displays. 1% - Fuses to replace those blown when turning on outdoor displays for the first time. 8% - Food and Drink. 1% - More eggnog than the entire Osmond family could even drink. 1. 5% - Foods you would never buy any other time of the year (i. e. fruitcakes, mincemeat, etc.). 1% - Alcoholic beverages (triple this figure if you have relatives coming from out of town). 1% - Milk and cookies the kids make leave out for Santa. 1% - Candy canes that nobody ever eats. 2% - Turkey. 0. 5% - Antacid. 9% - Entertainment. 1% - That new record you buy every year (even though you already have 27 hours of recorded Christmas music). 3% - Taking a bunch of kids to a really crummy G-rated movie about cute little animals. 5% - Extra trips to the local bar that you take to avoid those sickening TV Christmas Specials the networks keep throwing at you. 12% - Miscellaneous. 3% - Sickly-sweet Christmas Cards. 2% - Postage for same. 2% - Bonuses for people who don't even deserve them (like that louse paper boy). 0. 5% - Candles. 0. 5% - Plastic mistletoe. 2% - Money tossed into street-corner Santa's buckets (although you don't really know what it's for). 2% - Money for the collection plate for your once-a-year trip to church for Christmas Mass. 10% - Batteries. Too small an amount to be statistically significant.
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