"Some Warning Signs of Insanity" joke
Some Warning Signs of Insanity- You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.- You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.- Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.- You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.- You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.- You collect dead windowsill flies.- Every time the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"- You like cats. Especially with mayo.- You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they weren't rescued.- You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.- Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.- You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.- You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the middle of your front lawn.- Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.- Melba toast sexually excites you.- When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears."- You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.- You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes.- Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.- Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!"- You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.- You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.- You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.- People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes
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