"Shipwrecked" joke
A Scotsman was shipwrecked and finally washed ashore on a small island.
As he regains consciousness on the beach, he sees a beautiful unclad nymphet standing over him. She asks, "Would you like some food?"
The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och, lassie, I havna' ittin a bite in a week noo and I am verra hungry!"
She disappears into the woods and quickly comes back with a heaping helping of haggis. When he has choked it down, she asks, "Would you like something to drink?"
"Och, aye! That haggis has made me verra hungry and I wad verra much like a drink!"
She goes off into the woods again and returns with a bottle of 75-year-old single-malt Scotch whiskey. The Scotsman is beginning to think that he's in heaven when the unclad nymphet leans closer and says, "Would you like to play around?"
"Och, lassie, don't tell me ye've got a golf course here too!"
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. Then when you do criticize that person, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.
Little Connie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, Mom?"
"To make myself beautiful," she answered. She then began to remove the cream with a tissue.
"What's the more...
Stacey makes a new friend at school and invites her home for the first time. Stacey excuses herself to fetch her Mom and introduce her new friend. As her friend is standing in the living room next to the fireplace, she picks up the attractive vase on the mantle. When Stacey more...