"Phil Terrifies Edward Burns" joke

I was once told that I am a physically intimidating person, which is perhaps both the strangest thing I’ve ever heard (little me, intimidating?) and the coolest thing I’ve ever heard (a mere glance will convey the message “Outta my way, sucka, or your head will be pulp” – boy, what power!).

There might be some truth in that. I found that out recently on a New York City street corner while waiting for friends to show up for dinner. While standing around, looking high and low for my party to arrive, a guy came walking down the dark street and into the glow of the streetlight illuminating my spot on the sidewalk. There was something about this guy that looked very familiar, but I couldn’t place it immediately – and it was weird, because I knew the face but it didn’t seem to fit the guy’s body.

Then I realized who it was: Edward Burns, the actor/filmmaker. And when I identified him to myself, I had a double reaction. First, I was appalled to finally come face-to-face with one of the least talented people in today’s independent cinema – if you’ve ever sat through his boring, puerile, verbose flicks, you’d know what I mean. Second, I was surprised that he was considerably smaller and leaner than he appears on screen. I stand six feet tall and I was looking down at him, and he appeared to be on the thin side (I assume he works out at the gym when preparing a film and allows his muscles to deflate when the camera is packed up).

In getting a good look at Burns, I stepped slightly in his direction and I involuntarily knitted my eyebrows and peered closer into his gaze – I was clearly trying to make eye contact while sending a message of disapproval at him. Well, I must have been a bit too strong as he looked at me with a jittery expression, then turned his eyes away and hurried in double-time down the street. About half-way down the block, he turned to look back quickly and then resumed his escape.

Of course, I am assuming that was Edward Burns who ran away from me. If I happened to scare away someone with the unfortunate luck of resembling him, my apologies – sort of (hey, it is a lot of fun to intimidate people just by looking at them!).

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