"More Religion Quotes" joke

I don't care WHO you are, you're not walking on the water while I'm fishing.

A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.

Definition of Atheism: a non-prophet organization.

Jesus saves, Allah forgives, Cthulhu thinks you'd make a nice sandwich.

Why settle for the lesser of two evils?

Photons have mass!? I didn't even know they were Catholic...

Here's to the sun God, He sure is a fun God, Ra, Ra, Ra

Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them? - Jules Feiffer

A diagnostic is someone who doesn't know whether there are two gods.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

In the beginning, God created the Baptists. And the Baptists looked at themselves and said, "We good." And God saw it was too late.

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

On an atheist's tombstone: Here lies an atheist; all dressed up and no place to go.

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

I am an agnostic pagan. I doubt the existence of many gods.

I'm convinced God put me here to accomplish a certain number of things; right now, I'm so far behind I'll never die!

A dyslexic, agnostic insomniac - one who lies awake at night wondering if there really is a dog...

"When you speak of heaven, let your face light up; let it be irradiated by a heavenly gleam; let your eyes shine with reflected glory. But when you speak of hell, your ordinary expression will do. " Charles Spurgeon

There are two kinds of people: those who say to God, "Thy will be done," and those to whom God says, "All right, then, have it your way." - C.S. Lewis

"Never invoke the gods unless you really want them to appear. It annoys them very much." -- G.K. Chesterton

Make God laugh - plan for the future.

"I am ready to meet my maker. Whether or not my maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter." - Winston Churchill

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says,"What is this, some kind of joke?"

Adam to Eve: I'll wear the plants in this family!

And on the 8th day God said, "OK Murphy, you take over."

Atheist achieving orgasm: "Oh Random! Oh, Chance!"

Birth, life, death. Repeat as necessary.

Blessed are the Fundamentalists, for they shall inhibit the earth.

I disbelieved in reincarnation in my last life, too.

Freedom *OF* religion includes freedom *FROM* religion.

Give me some of that old-time Religion...HAIL ZEUS!

If money is the root of all evil, why do churches want it so badly?

In a crisis call for Isis!

In the name of the Old Man, The Kid, and the Spook, Amen.

Instant shaman - add one drum and beat slowly.

Jesus loves you. Then again, so does Barney.

Jesus Saves... Passes to Moses. Shoots... He SCORES!

That was Zen; this is Tao.

Religion is for those who fear hell, Spirituality is for those who have been there...

Sometimes we turn to God when our foundations are shaking, only to find out it is God who is shaking them

I always liked working with the Priests that drank the wine during mass. They were the easiest to work with.

Sects, sects, sects. Is that all you monks ever think about?

The Bible tells us to love our neighbours, and also to love our enemies, probably because they are generally the same people.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

"To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few more...


Q: What is the similarity between a rubix cube and a dick?
A: The more you play with them, the harder they get!


A guy says to his friend, "I can't remember if the doctor told me my wife has AIDS or Alzheimer's."
His friend says, "It's simple. Drive her to the other side of town. If she finds her way home, don't fuck her."


A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive more...


There once was a good Baptist Minister, who in order to make his family's budget go a little further, rode a bicycle to Church and to Church functions. One day his bike turned up missing. He searched everywhere, but could not find it. Since it was a very small town he lived in, more...

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