"Military Decorations" joke

"What's that medal for, grandpa?"

"Oh, the Purple Heart, sweetie. You're given it when you're injured in the line of duty."

"And that shiny one with the eagle?"

"The Soldier's Medal, hun. I got it for pulling out two guys from a blown-up Humvee and dragging them fifty yards to safety through enemy fire."

"What about that HUGE gold one with Obama giving you a jumping high-five?"

"That's the Epic Win Award for Badass Motherf***ery. I got it for drop kicking a door that killed an insurgent on the other side."

The Utah Jazz collected their 12th straight victory. In celebration, Utah residents might even stay up til midnight.

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A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive more...

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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

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The best way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

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Your Mamma's so fat, when she went bungee jumping, she broke the bridge!

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