"Lenny Hates ... Houseguests" joke

Everyone: "Dude, I'm in town for the weekend with no plan and no money. Can I stay on your couch?"

Me, if I had any balls: "Go fuck yourself."

Me, because I can’t say "no": "I guess so."

[The next morning...]

Everyone: "So, like, what are you doing today?"

Me, if I had any balls: "Doing what I would have done if you weren't here!"

Me, because I'm a nice person: "Babysitting you-I mean, let's do something?"

Everyone: "Hey, can I use your computer to check my email?"

[The next night...]

Everyone: "So, I called my friend, and he's not around... um... do you think... um... I can stay like another night?"

Me, if I had any balls: "You're a douche and your mama didn't raise you right."

Me: "I guess so."

Everyone: "Thanks, man. Oh, by the way, you're like low on toilet paper."

Me: "Oh, thanks, I'll go and buy some."

Everyone: "Hurry, cause I gotta go bad... oh, and could you get me some [fill in blank] while you're out?”

Me, if I had any balls: (Gunshot. Blood.)

Everyone: "You shot me!"

Me, if I had any balls: "Don't bleed on my couch."

Everyone: "Call 911!"

Me, if I had any balls: "You call 911, you lazy bastard. What do I look like-your secretary?"

Everyone: Okay, next time I’ll stay in a... hotel. (Dies.)

Me: To-do list: Laundry. Food shopping. Call hearse.