"Five Maxims of Making Excuses" joke
1) The feebleness or banality of an excuse should never be a deterrent to its use.
2) Always put the blame on something that can't defend itself. Children, pets, inanimate objects, and relatives living in foreign countries make perfect scapegoats.
3) Whine convincingly.
4) Certain ailments work better than others as excuses. No doctor or machine in the world can prove that you don't have that headache.
5) Try to remember that nature allotted each of us only two grandmothers to attend funerals for.
And now, some excuses:
- I was going to mail it for your birthday, but then I couldn't find it, and by the time I found it, it was too late and I was embarrassed to send it to you.
- The baby threw up all over my dress, and we had to go home first to change.
- I'm taking care of a sick aunt...no, this is a different one.
- The car ran out of gas.
- Well, you never told me I couldn't do that.
- He started it.
- I have jet lag.
- I'd really like to, but my gerbils are having babies tonight.
- I swallowed my gold crown this morning, and I have to wait here until it comes out the other end.
- I missed the bus.
- The alarm didn't go off.
- I couldn't find a parking space.
- The Devil made me do it.
- Drugs made me do it.
- Everybody else does it.
- That's not my department.
- Our computer's down.
- We must have misplaced your original request.
- It's on someone elses desk.
- Don't ask me - I just work here.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes
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