"A Letter To Her Parents" joke

Dear Mom and Dad:
It has now been three months since I left for college. I realize I have been remiss in writing and apologize for my thoughtlessness in not having written sooner. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you're sitting down... Okay?
Well, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and concussion I suffered when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only had to spend two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and my headaches are down to only three a day.
Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at a gas station nearby and he was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He visited me at the hospital and, since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is such a wonderful boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We still haven't set the exact date, but it will definitely be before my pregnancy begins to show.
Yes, Mom and Dad, I am expecting. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is because my boyfriend has a minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and carelessly, I caught it from him. The doctor has assured me that with the penicillin injections I am receiving daily, it will soon clear up.
I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and although not very well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. He has a good family background too, for I am told that his father is an important gunbearer in the village in Africa from which he comes.
Now that you have been updated, I will tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a skull fracture or concussion, I was not in the hospital, I am not expecting, I am not engaged, I do not have syphillis, and there is no boyfriend in my life. However, I am getting a 'D' in Science and an 'F' in History, and I did want you to see these marks in the proper perspective.
Your loving daughter,
Julie

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