Yer Jokes / Recent Jokes

Little Francine watched her father take a shower. She noticed his
testicles and asked him what they were. "Those are my apples," he
replied.
Later the little girl told her mother what Daddy had said. Her
mother smirked, "Did Daddy tell you about the dead limb they're
hanging on?"

------------------------------------




The mortician was laying out the body of a man with an unbelievably
long penis. He called in his receptionists to show her. She took one
look and said, "That's just like my Harry's."
"You mean he's got one that long?" the mortician asked.
"No," she replied. "That dead."


--------------------------------------------



One morning a milkman called on one of his regular customers and
was surprised to see a white bedsheet with a hole in the middle
hanging up in her living room. The more...

A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much it is for a tooth extraction.

"? 85 for an extraction, Sir" was the reply.

"Och, huv yer no got nothin' cheaper?" replies the Scotsman, getting agitated.

"But that's the normal charge for an extraction, Sir," said the dentist.

"What about if yer didna use any anaesthetic?" asked the Scotsman hopefully.

"Well, it's highly unusual, Sir, but if that's what you want, I suppose I could do it for? 70," said the dentist.

"Hmmmm, what about if yer used one of yer dental trainees and still without anaesthetic?" said the Scotsman.

"Well, it's possible, but they are only training and I can't guarantee their level of professionalism, and it'll be a lot more painful. I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say? 40," said the dentist.

"Och, that's still a bit much. How about more...

An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few "squalls" received a humble lecture from their priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels. "Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you." "If yer reverencell tie them together, yell soon change yer mind."

adenoids.....(n) Space critters whut are keepin' Elvis alive on Pluto anasthesia...(n) Rushun princess y'all red' bout in skool. antacid......(n) aloosinagenic drugs uzed by itty bitty bugz. bowel........(n) A alfabit letter lyke A, E, I, O, or U or why? bronchitis...(n) dinosour frum the plastikseen age; extinked. catscan......(v) lukin' fer hookers (don y'all do this) cauterize....(v) makin' eye contak with a hooker (berry dangerous) d & c........(n) Warshingtun; whar the weirdos, purvurts, & kongress type peepul live. emema........(n) sumone who ain't never no frend no how fester.......(n) yer unkles name (mos likelee) genital......(n) head of a army, fer sample, Genital Robert E. Lee heart........(v) when u cauz pain to some1 hypodermic...(n) huge, big, fat zoo crittur; mostly live in de woter mamogram.....(n) short note sent 2 yer ma er other female papsmear.....(v) when peepul sez veri ugli things bout yer pappy recovery.....(n) place wear yew fix up yer fernitur more...

"And hows yer wife, Pat?" "Sure, she do be awful sick." "Is ut dangerous she is?" "No, shes too weak t be dangerous anymore!"

This guy walks into a pub with a gremlin sitting on his shoulder. He sits at the bar and orders a pint and a half of lager. The gremlin downs his half-pint, runs long the bar, dips his head in a blokes beer and goes, "Brrr!". The guy orders another pint and a half. The gremlin repeats the performance. The bloke grabs the gremlin by the neck, shakes him up a bit, and says, "Listen, if you ever do that again I'll cut yer balls off!"The gremlin says, "Ain't got none!" "Well, I'll cut off yer prick!" "Ain't got one of them, neither." says the gremlin." Well, how do ya pee?" The gremlin smiled and said, "Brrr!"

People here in Texas have trouble with all those "shalls" and "shall nots" in the Ten Commandments.

Folks here just aren't used to talking in those terms. So, some folks out in west Texas got together and translated the "King James" into "King Ranch" language:

The Cowboy's Ten Commandments (posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Fairlie, Texas)

(1) Just one God.

(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.

(3) No tellin' tales or gossipin'.

(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'.

(5) Put nothin' before God.

(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.

(7) No killin.'

(8) Watch yer mouth.

(9) Don't take what ain't yers.

(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff.

Now that's kinda plain an' simple, don't ya think? Y'all have a good day.