Yer Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Never squat with yer spurs on. There's two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works. Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep. Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. Always drink upstream from the herd. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier' n puttin' it back in. Finally, never miss a good chance to shut up.

    Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father O'Rafferty.

    "Top o' the mornin' to ye," said the Father, "Aren't you Mrs. O'Donovan? Didn't I marry ye and yer husband two years ago?"

    She replied "Aye, that ye did, Father."

    "And be there any wee ones yet?"

    "No, not yet, Father," Mrs. O'Donovan said.

    "Well, now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for ye."

    "Oh, thank ye, Father." They parted ways.

    Some years later they met again.

    "Well, now, Mrs. O'Donovan," the priest said. "How are ye these days?"

    "Oh, very well," said she.

    "And tell me," he said. "Have ye any wee ones yet?"

    "Oh, yes, Father," Mrs. O'Donovan replied. "Three sets of twins and four singles -- 10 in more...

    Now look at them yo-yos, that's the way you do it
    You write the code that runs the WebTV
    That ain't working, that's the way you do it
    Get yer home page for nothin' and your hits for free.
    Now that ain't workin', that's the way you do it
    Lemme tell ya, them guys can code
    Maybe get some backing' fore they even have a product
    Maybe in a month they'll IPO.
    We got to install Netscape Web Servers
    Custom config delivery
    We got to install all of these browsers
    They got to all speak HTTP.
    See that little doofus with the glasses and the cowlick?
    Yeah buddy, that's his own code
    That little doofus got a billion options
    That little doofus he just IPO'd
    We got to install Netscape Web Servers
    Custom config delivery
    We got to install all of this fiber
    We gonna need a big ol' T3
    I shoulda learned to code in Java
    I shoulda learned some CGI
    Look at that web page, they got it dancing right across more...

    Dear Santa,
    I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yer.
    Yer Frend,
    BiLLy
    Dear Billy,
    Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawn care specialist. How' bout I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
    Santa
    Dear Santa,
    I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peaceand joy in the world for everybody!
    Love,
    Sarah
    Dear Sarah,
    Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
    Santa
    Dear Santa,
    I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really, really want a fire truck this year.
    Love,
    Joey
    Dear Joey,
    Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
    Santa Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas I'd more...

    An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few "squalls" received a humble lecture from their priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels. "Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you." "If yer reverencell tie them together, yell soon change yer mind."

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