Wooden Jokes / Recent Jokes

A homeless man stops at a farmhouse to beg to spend the night. The farmer answers the door and says "Sure, we can put you up."
The vagrant washes up for dinner and meets the family downstairs. Sitting at the dinner table are the farmer, his wife, their son, and a gigantic pig who is sitting at the table like a human. Throughout the meal the vagrant tries not to stare at the pig, who sports three medals around his neck, as well as a wooden leg.
Finally, he can contain his curiosity no longer. He asks "Would you mind telling me about the bronze medal around your pig's neck?"
The farmer says "Sure. It's really an incredible story. Little Timmy here was swimming in the lake when he got a cramp and started to drown. This pig heard his cries for help, busted out of his pen, ran to the lake, and saved our son's life. So, we gave him the medal."
The vagrant is amazed and says "Well, how about that silver medal?"
The farmer says more...

Never slap a man who chews tobacco.
There are many many more asses in the world than donkeys.
Wooden legs are not hereditary, wooden heads are.
Free cheese is always in a mouse trap.
An ugly carpet will last forever.

Never slap a man who chews tobacco.There are many many more asses in the world than donkeys.Wooden legs are not hereditary, wooden heads are.Free cheese is always in a mouse trap.An ugly carpet will last forever.

Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his
proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and
a bit afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldn`t bring
himself to tell his fiancee` about his leg when he slipped the
ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they
picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, "Darling, I`ve
got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.
The wedding night came and went, and the young couple were at
last alone in their hotel room. "Now don`t forget, Harry, you
promised me a big surprise," said the bride.
Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his
wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife`s hand on the
stump.
"Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise. But pass me the
Vaseline and I`ll see what I can do!"

Excerpted from "Masquerade: The Amazing Camouflage Deceptions of World War II", Seymour Reit (Signet, 1980):
Another enemy decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a tale that has been told and retold ever since by veteran Allied pilots.
The German "airfield", constructed with meticulous care, was made almost entirely of wood.
There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements, trucks, and aircraft.
The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the last wooden plank. And early the following morning, a lone RAF plane crossed the Channel, came in low, circled the field once, and dropped a large wooden bomb.

An Englishman goes to Australia with his wife; they stay in a 5 star hotel and hire a Limo for the day. While driving along the road, his wife asks, "Look! What is that man doing with that kangaroo?"

The man replies, "My God! Don't look, it's disgusting!"

Further down the road the wife says, "Look, another one!" and the husband says, "Disgusting! I shall report this when we get back to the hotel."

They arrive back at the hotel only to find a man with one wooden leg having a wank on the steps of the hotel.

The husband charges in and says to the manager, "Look, we come here in good faith, to stay in your 5 star hotel and what happens? We are driving down the road and we come across a drover in copulation with a kangaroo. Further on, recurrence of the same thing. Then we get back here only to find a man with one wooden leg, masturbating on your front steps. Well, what do you have to say about more...

A man was walking in the country and saw a pig with a wooden leg sitting outside a barn. As he was pondering this, the pig's owner came along. The man asked the farmer how the pig got his wooden leg.

The farmer said, "Let me tell you, that is some pig! Our house caught fire last May, and he dragged my kids to safety!"

"Is that how he lost his leg?" the man asked.

"No," replied the farmer. "But a month ago, I almost drowned and that pig swam through icy water to pull me to shore!"

"So that's how he lost his leg," the man asked.

"Oh, no. And just a week ago, my wife's car slid off the road onto the train tracks. That pig broke through the window and helped her out just as a freight train came through!"

"So THAT'S how he lost his leg!" the man said.

"No, sir."

"Then HOW did he lose it?" the man more...