Wonderful Jokes / Recent Jokes

Three criminals were each sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement for the crimes they commited. Each of them were told they would be permitted to bring one thing into the cells with them.
The first one requested a stack of books. The second one asked for his wife and the third asked for a couple hundred cartons of cigarettes.
At the end of the twenty years, they opened up the first criminal's cell. He came out smiling and said, "That was great. I read and studied so hard, I'm bright enough now to be a lawyer."
They then opened the second criminal's cell and he emerged with his wife and four children. "That was the most wonderful time of my life," he said. "My wife and I have never been closer and we have a wonderful family to show for it."
When they opened the third criminal's cell, he staggered out, shaking uncontrollably and stammered, "Anyone have a match?"

I ran into Jim at work yesterday. He had been out for a few days with the flu. I asked him how he was feeling. "I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience." he replied.
"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?" I asked in stunned disbelief.
"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know that whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying,' My husband is home! My husband is home!"

We have a strange and wonderful relationship: He's strange and I'm wonderful.

A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and said with a wonderful and cheerful smile. "Good Morning sir. What a wonderful morning I'd like two boiled eggs, one of them so under cooked it's runny, and the other so over cooked it's tough and hard to eat. Also, grilled bacon that has been left out so it gets a bit on the cold side; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, lukewarm."

"That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult."

The guest replied, "Oh? I don't understand -- that's what I got yesterday!"

One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets Saint Peter himself. Saint Peter says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know." The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Peter, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." Saint Peter stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, Saint Peter is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?" Saint Peter says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new more...

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend.

They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they're just lying there, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful.... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

A man who had been in a mental institution for some years finally improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The psychiatrist that ran the institution decided it was better to proceed with caution, and chose to interview him first. "Tell me," said the doctor, "if we release you, as we are considering, what do you plan to do with your life?" The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life, and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you see, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped to put me here. If I am released, I shall limit myself to work in pure theory, where I believe the situation will be less difficult and stressful." "Wonderful," said the psychiatrist. "Or else," continued the patient, "I might teach. There is something to be said for dedicating your life to expanding the knowledge of young people." more...