Ways Jokes / Recent Jokes

Why is it only
on Passover night
we never know how
to do anything right?
We don't eat our meals
in the regular ways,
the ways that we do
on all other days.
'Cause on all other nights
we may eat
all kinds of wonderful
good bready treats,
like big purple pizza
that tastes like a pickle,
crumbly crackers
and pink pumpernickel,
sassafras sandwich
and tiger on rye,
fifty falafels in pita,
fresh-fried,
with peanut-butter
and tangerine sauce
spread onto each side
up-and-down, then across,
and toasted whole-wheat bread
with liver and ducks,
and crumpets and dumplings,
and bagels and lox,
and doughnuts with one hole
and doughnuts with four,
and cake with six layers
and windows and doors.
Yes-
on all other nights
we eat all kinds of bread,
but tonight of all nights
we munch matzah instead.
And on all other nights
we devour
vegetables, green more...

Other ways to use the Thanksgiving turkey...
As a blunt object to fend off your pesky cousins with.
As a projectile to throw at the TV after Kathie Lee says, ''Aren't they a wonderful band!'' for the 25th time.
As a hood ornament.
As a disguise so your ugly Aunt Beatrice can't kiss you and say, ''How much you've grown!''
As a football for the after-meal game.
One word... bowling!
As yet another object to drop from the top of the dorm to test the range of the splatter upon impact.
As a gift/bribe for a professor.
As a Christmas gift (avoid the holiday crowds this way!)
As a doorstop to keep your relatives out.
Makes a great doggie chew toy.
Fill it with whip cream - watch the fun.
An unexplored cavern for the new Barbie.
A visual aid to explain to children where babies come from.
Bury in the yard for future midnight snacks.
If you're flying home, take the carcass as a carry-on. See what it looks like in the X-ray machine. more...

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. .. it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms more...

20 Ways to Annoy Public Bathroom Stallmate

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1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor,' May I borrow a highlighter?'

2. Say,' Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that.'

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say,' Damn, this water's cold.'

5. Drop a marble and say,' Oh shit! My glass eye!'

6. Say,' Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.'

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say,' Now how did that get there?'

9. Say,' Humus. Reminds me of humus.'

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,' Whoa! Easy boy!'

11. Say,' Interesting... more floaters more...

Since Santa knows if we've been bad or good, here are some, what
shall we say?. .. "inventive holiday ways" to call someone a nit
wit, and not upset Santa.
- A couple of shingles short of a full roof.
- A few pies short of a holiday.
- A few too many lights out in his Christmas tree.
- All wax and no wick.
- Batteries not included.
- Bright as Alaska in December.
- His chimney's clogged.
- He got his brains as a stocking filler.
- Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.
- A few presents short of a full sleigh.

There may be fifty ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways to leave this airplane.

Thank you for flying business class. We hope you enjoyed giving us business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.

As you exit the plane, please make sure to take all of your belongings Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us griping about you leaving it down. 2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again! 3. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it. 4. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 5. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her. 6. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 7. Crying is blackmail. 8. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 9. We don't more...