Waste Jokes / Recent Jokes
Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?
New Jersey got to pick first.
You can learn a lot from reading the graffiti in a bathroom, library or other public area...The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.* Women's rest room, Murphy's, Champaign, Ill.If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can't take a dump here - Your asshole is in Washington!* Men's rest room, Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Wash.Beauty is only a light switch away.* Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, N.C.If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives.* Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C.Remember, it's not "How high are you?", it's "Hi, how are you?"* Rest stop off Route 81, W. VA.God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?* The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.* The Bayou, Baton Rouge, La.No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.* Men's rest room, Linda's Bar and Grill, more...
A dying man gathered his best friends - a lawyer, doctor and clergyman - at his bedside and handed each of them an envelope containing $25, 000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelops in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life. A week later the man died. At the wake, the lawyer and doctor and clergyman each concealed an envelope in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10, 000 in the envelope he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness.
The doctor, moved by the gentle Clergyman’s sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelope, he admitted, had only more...
Excerpted from the book "Dumb, Dumber, Dumbest," (c) 1996 by John J Kohut and Roland Sweet
Anchorage, Alaska, requested an exemption from an Environmental Protection Agency rule requiring cities to remove at least 30 percent of "organic waste" from incoming sewage before treating it. Officials pointed out that the city had so little organic waste to begin with that its sewage before treatment than most cities' sewage after treatment. The EPA, nevertheless, insisted that the city comply with the rule, forcing it to have to pay fish processors to dump unused fish parts into city sewers so there would be enough organic waste to remove.
Beer and the quotes it has helped create over the years... I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in themorning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. - -Frank SinatraThe problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober. - -William Butler YeatsAn intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. - -Ernest HemingwayAlways do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. - -Ernest HemingwayYou're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. - -Dean MartinDrunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it. - -AnonymousNo animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as good as drink. - -G. K. ChestertonTime is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. - -Catherine ZandonellaAbstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. - -Ambrose BierceReality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol. - more...
Restroom Graffiti
The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open. ----Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL - (not far from a major medical school)
Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die. ----Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
If you can piss this high, join the fire department. ----On the wall in the men's restroom at a height of 6 feet. O'Ryan's Irish Pub. Ashland, Oregon.
Beauty is only a light switch away. ----Perkins Library. Duke University. Durham, North Carolina.
I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards. ----Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.
If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives. ----Armand's Pizza. Washington, D.C.
Remember, it's not,' How high are you?' it's' Hi, how are you?' ----Rest stop off Route 81. West more...
A truck driver who had been delivering radioactive waste for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job. He decided to seek compensation for his ailment. Upon his arrival at the workers' compensation department, he is interviewed by an assessor.Assessor: I see you work with radio-active materials and wish to claim compensation. Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick. Assessor: Alright then, Does your employer take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning? Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job. Assessor: And what about the cabin in which you drive? Trucker: Oh yeah. That's lead lined, all lead lined. Assessor: What about the waste itself? Where is that kept? Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead. Assessor: Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radio-active waste is kept in a lead container. Trucker: Yeah, that? s right. All lead. Assessor: Then I can't see how you more...