Von Jokes

A guy named Penis von Lesbian came from Austria to America to become an actor.

He went to lots of auditions, but never got a job.

Finally one director took him aside and said,' Son, the only reason we're turning you away is your name. If you want to make it in this town, you gotta change the name!'

But Penis von Lesbian said:' I can't do that! This is my name!'

The director said:' Suit yourself!' and went on his way.

Years and years later, their paths crossed again. The director said,' I remember you! You're Penis von Lesbian! Did you ever get around to changing your name?'

The actor said,' Yes, and it helped! Now I go by Dick Van Dyke.'

The late Herbert von Karajan and his wife enter a hotel room.
She: "My god, it is cold in here."

Herbert von Karajan: "But, liebchen, when we are in private, you can call me Herbert."

The great mathematician John Von Neumann was consulted by a group who was building a rocket ship to send into outer space. When he saw the incomplete structure, he asked, "Where did you get the plans for this ship?"
He was told, "We have our own staff of engineers."
He disdainfully replied: "Engineers! Why, I have complete sewn up the whole mathematical theory of rocketry. See my paper of 1952."

Well, the group consulted the 1952 paper, completely scrapped their 10 million dollar structure, and rebuilt the rocket exactly according to Von Neumann's plans. The minute they launched it, the entire structure blew up. They angrily called Von Neumann back and said: "We followed your instructions to the letter. Yet when we started it, it blew up! Why?"
Von Neumann replied, "Ah, yes; that is technically known as the blow-up problem - I treated that in my paper of 1954."