Vet Jokes / Recent Jokes

"Will I ever be able to race my horse again" the owner asked the vet. The vet replied, "You certainly will, and you'll probably beat her too!"

Farmer: I've got a bull that's right off it duties. It's got to service
300 cows and all it wants to do is eat.
Vet: Give it one of these little pills in its feed and stand back.

So 2 weeks later the farmer comes back to the vet:

Farmer: WOW, what a pill! I gave the pill to the bull like you said and
POW! It jumped over the gate, ran down the lane and fucked 70 cows in
30 minutes.
Vet: So, what's the problem - why have you come back?
Farmer: Well, I was wondering, I am meeting this 18-year-old tonight -
could you give me one of those tablets? I'm not as young as I was.
Vet: Oh, no! Sorry, it's too strong but I will give you a quarter of a
pill.

So the farmer takes the pill and goes off to prepare for his date.
Several days later, the farmer goes back to the Vet.

Farmer: Hello, Vet. Wonderful. 40 Times.
Vet: So, why have you come back?
Farmer: Ah! I need something for my wrist - she more...

1) A guy goes into the doctor's
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my botty"
"Good grief, how's that?'
"Don't you start"
2) "Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"
3) A Welshman goes to the doctor:
"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home"
"that sounds like Tom Jones syndrome"
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual"
4) A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "Let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes.
Well, "says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's bloody heavy."
5) Man goes to his GP with a peanut stuck in his more...

A lady rushes into the veterinarian and screams, "I found my dog unconscious and I can't wake him -- do something." The vet lays the dog on the examination table and after a few simple tests he says, "I'm sorry, I don't feel a pulse, I'm afraid your dog is dead". The lady can't accept this and says, "No, no, he can't be dead -- do something else." So, the vet goes into the other room, and comes back with a Labrador retriever. The dog jumps up on the table and sniffs the other dog from head to toe. It sniffs and sniffs up and down the dog, then all of a sudden just stops and jumps off the table and leaves. The vet says, "I'm very sorry lady, your dog is dead. "No, no, he can't be dead -- do something else... PLEASE" the lady cries. So the vet goes into another room, and comes back with a little cat. The cat jumps up on the table and starts sniffing the dog from head to toe. It sniffs and sniffs up and down the dog, then all of a sudden just more...

A man rushed into the veterinarian’s office carrying his dog, thoroughly distraught. The vet examined the dog’s still, limp body and sadly informed the man that the dog was dead.
Saddened at the loss of his best friend, the man asked the doctor if he could please try one last time to revive the dog. The doctor stepped into his other room and returned with a cat in a wire cage. He set the cage on the examining table and opened the sliding door.
The cat got up, stretched, stepped out of the cage and slowly walked around the dog from head to tail sniffing the body. When it was finished, it looked up at the veterinarian with a “meow”, walked back into the cage and went back to sleep.
The vet looked at the man and said in his best bedside manner, “I’m sorry, but there is nothing I can do. ”
Resigned, the man signed and said, “Thanks for trying. How much do I owe you? ”
“Three-hundred fifty dollars, ” the doctor replied.
“Thr. . . thr. . more...

Banta has a cross-eyed bull that keeps bumping into things. He calls up to vet to try to remedy the problem.
The vet says, "I think the best thing is to stick a pipe up his ass and blow real hard and the bulls` eyes will straighten out."
The vet - a 70 year old man - inserts the pipe and blows. The bulls` eyes begin to straighten, but the vet soon looses his breath and the bulls` eyes are crossed again. The vet gives it another try, but looses his breath again.
The vet looks at Banta and says, "You look like a strong man, why don`t you give it a try."
Banta agrees. He then takes the pipe out of the bulls` ass, turns it around, and sticks it back in. He then begins to blow.
"Shit!!!" says the vet. "What in the hell did you do that for?"
Banta replies, "You don`t think I am going to put my mouth on the same end of the pipe that you had your on."

A young, blonde woman took a litter of yellow Labrador Retriever puppies to a veterinary clinic for innoculations. As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, the vet realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest.
So, he turned on the water faucet, wet his fingers, and moistened each dog’s head when he had finished. After the fourth puppy, the vet noticed the talkative client had grown silent. As the vet sprinkled the last pup’s head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, “I didn’t know they had to be baptized, too. ”