Vacation Jokes / Recent Jokes

The following are letters from children to GOD.

In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation?
-Jane
I read the Bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me.
Love, Alison
Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?
-Lucy
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?
-Anita
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
-Norma
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now?
-Jane
Who draws the lines around the countries?
-Nan
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?
-Neil
What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything.
-Jane
Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother.
-Darla
Thank you for the more...

Three young women are at a cocktail party.
The conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.
The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.
Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis."
After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my parents house for two weeks."
The second more...

You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?", you suddenly realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox and gave her your mail. As a woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn!" Your boss is standing behind you. And it's his wife. While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out and you're the only coffee drinker there. You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week. You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?" You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. Your underwear is missing. You're in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party.

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says,
"Good morning Ma`am. What are you doing?"
" Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, `Is this guy blind, or what?`
"You`re in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"But, Officer, I`m not fishing. Can`t you see that?"
"But you have all this equipment, Ma`am. I`ll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman.
"I didn`t even touch you," grouses the more...

"Were you in Paris on your vacation?" "I don't know, my wife got the tickets."

Computerized Payroll January 1, 2005
Dear (enter employee name here)
Re: Vacation Pay
Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off.
One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9, 400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay cheque will reflect payment of $8, 277, 432. 22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1, 200 months.
Sincerely,
Automated Payroll Processing

A blonde had just returned to the United States from a month-long European vacation. She'd been to England, France, Spain, Italy, Germany, and Switzerland. Her boyfriend met her at the airport, hugged her, and asked how she enjoyed her trip.
"It was awful," she grumbled. "The whole place was filled with foreigners."