University Jokes / Recent Jokes
There was once a pillow that thought it was as light as a feather. So then the pillow walked over to a University called the university of Irony.
Walking towards the main entrance, the pillow stared at the banner that declared the Univerities name in awe and suddenly began to laugh.
University students, teachers and random people crowded around the pillow to see why he was laughing, as he chortled and chuckled for three days and three nights without stopping.
By then most of the crowd had left except for the Principal of the University who was rather curious and had waited until the pillow had calmed down to find out what the big joke was.
“So.. What was so funny? ”
He asked the pillow curiously.
The pillow laughed and started giggling again.
“You spelled Irony wrong! ”
A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students
An accountant, a lawyer, and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal. The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands… clear up to his elbows… he used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, “I graduated from the University of Michigan, and they taught us to be clean. ”
The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, “I graduated from the University of Colorado, and they taught us to be environmentally conscious. ”
The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, “I graduated from the University of Nebraska, and they taught us not to piss on our hands. ”
At a Texas University, a Professor had been teaching his students humanreproduction. For an exam, one of the questions was: "Female humans are bornwith a limited number of eggs, while males, during their lifetime, producemillions upon millions of sperm. Why are so many sperm produced?" Oneyoung woman's answer: "Because they won't ask for directions either."
American University Grading Procedures Here is a list of the ways professors here at the AmericanUniversity grade their final exams: DEPT OF STATISTICS: - All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve. DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY: - Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, closethem and turn them in. The professor opens the books andassigns the first grade that comes to mind. DEPT OF HISTORY: - All students get the same grade they got last year. DEPT OF RELEGION: - Grade is determined by God. DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY: - What is a grade? LAW SCHOOL: - Students are asked to defend their position of why theyshould receive an A. DEPT OF MATHEMATICS: - Grades are variable. DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE: - If and only if the student is present for the final andthe student has accumulated a passing grade then the studentwill receive an A else the student will not receive an A. MUSIC DEPARTMENT: - Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ more...
Introductory Chemistry was taught at Duke University for many years by professor Bonk. One year, two guys took the class and did pretty well on all the quizzes and mid-terms–so much so that going into the final, they each had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week, despite the Chemistry final being on Monday, they decided to go to the Uuniversity of Virginina to party with some friends.
They did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and tiredness, they overslept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found professor Bonk after the final and explained to him how they missed the final. They told him they went up to the University of Virgina for the weekend and had planned to come back in time to study, but they had a flat tire on the way back and didn’t have a spare. They couldn’t fix it for a long time and were late more...
These are actual sports quotes said by various people throughout the world. Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye."New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:"I want to rush for 1, 000 or 1, 500 yards, whichever comes first." And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the' Skins say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too." Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up more...