Turtles Jokes / Recent Jokes

One day, little Johnny was walking to school with his pet 2 turtles for show and tell. While he was on his way, a truck drove by and startled him. Johnny dropped the turtles and the truck ran them over killing both of them instantly. Johnny went along to school anyway. When the class all finished doing their show and tell projects, the teacher finally called on Johnny, “Johnny, where is your show and tell for today? ” Johnny replied, “Well teacher it’s like this, I was walking to school with my pet turtles and a truck drove by and scared me. I dropped the turtles and the truck ran his ass right over ‘em and killed ‘em! ” His teacher was in shock and very sternly stated, “Johnny, we don’t use that kind of language in school. We say rectum. ” Johnny said, “Rectum…it damn killed ‘em! ”

Three turtles stop in at a bar on a hot day for a beer. While they're waiting they notice that it has started to rain.
"Freddy," says the biggest turtle to the smallest, "go home and fetch our umbrellas."
"No," replies Freddy, "because if I leave you'll drink my beer."
Both of the other turtles promise they would never do such a thing, so Freddy grudgingly gets down from the stool and heads for the exit. Two weeks go by, as the turtles stare thirstily at Freddy's untouched beer in front of them.
Finally one turtle says to the other, "Oh, let's go ahead and drink Freddy's beer. We can tell him it was never delivered."
A voice from up near the front of the bar says, "If you do, I'm not going home for the umbrellas!"

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. So, Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is, 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped .Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and says,'Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener.
"I didn't bring the bottle opener,' Steve says. 'I thought you packed it.' Joe gets worried.
He turns to Poncho. 'Poncho, do you have the bottle opener?'
Naturally, Poncho doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back. Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food.
So, more...

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Raymond, decide to go on a picnic. So Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is that the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone's exhausted.

Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and says, "All right, Steve, gimme the bottle opener."

"I didn't bring the bottle opener,' Steve says. "I thought you packed it."

Naturally, Raymond doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda.

Joe and Steve beg Raymond to turn back home and retrieve it, but Raymond flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back. After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Raymond to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food.

So, Raymond sets off more...

Newly hatched turtles lost their way to the sea and walked into an Italian restaurant. And the Olive Garden wait staff marveled at how fast they were.

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Raymond, decide to go on a picnic. So Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone's exhausted.
Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and says,' Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener.'' I didn't bring the bottle opener,' Steve says.' I thought you packed it.' Joe gets worried. He turns to Raymond.' Raymond, do you have the bottle opener?' Naturally,
Raymond doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda. Joe & Steve beg Raymond to turn back home and retrieve it, but Raymond flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets backs.
The turtles manage to convince Raymond to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Raymond sets off down the road, more...

Once there were three turtles.

One day they decided to go on a picnic.

When they got there, they realized
they had forgotten the soda.

The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it
if they wouldn`t eat the sandwiches until he got back.

A week went by, then a month, finally a year,
when the two turtles said,"oh, come on, let`s eat the sandwiches."

Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said,

"If you do, I won`t go!"