Turn Jokes / Recent Jokes

A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what the consider a marvelous new game.
Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match.
Then, the paper reports: "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs."
- Audobon Magazine

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father. 1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, takeout 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell thepharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up thepaper. Read it for the last time. 2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack ofpatience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve theirchild's sleeping habits, more...

60 above
Floridians wear coats, gloves and woolly hats.
People in Canada sunbathe
50 above:
New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
People in Canada plant gardens.
40 above:
Italian cars won't start.
Canadians drive with the windows down.
32 above:
Distilled water freezes.
The Saskatchewan River water gets thicker.
20 above:
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Canadians have the last cook-out before it gets cold.
15 above:
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
Canadians throw on a sweatshirt.
-0 -
Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in Canada lick the flagpole.
20 below:
People in Miami cease to exist.
Canadians get out their winter coats.
40 below:
Hollywood disintegrates.
Canada's Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.
60 below:
Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica.
Canadian Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets more...

A true Southerner knows what "catywompus" means.
A true Southerner knows the difference between a "hissie fit"
and a "conniption" and they don't "HAVE" them, they "PITCH" them.
Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general
direction of "YONDER".
A true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in:
"Going to town, be back directly."
Even true Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a
request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty
little bowl on the middle of the table.
All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is.
They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
A true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of
solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken
and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's more...

Every night when a husband and wife would hop into bed the husband would turn to the wife and whisper in her ear "Goodnight my mother of three"and turn around and go to sleep.The wife was sick of it.So the next night the husband crawled into bed and whispered "good night my mother of three".the wife turn around and whispered "goodnight my father of two".

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt. 2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you. 3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the darn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with. 6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again. 7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files. 9. Use Interactive more...

CHRISTMAS CAKE RECIPE You'll need the following: 1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
4 large brown eggs
2 cups of dried fruit
1 teaspoon of salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
Nuts
1 bottle of whisky
Sample the whisky to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it's the
highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter
in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whisky is still OK.
Cry another tup. Tune up the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried
fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it goose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?
Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon the sugar or something. Whatever you can more...