Tractor Jokes / Recent Jokes

George Bush was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, Mr. Bush!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Sheeda from
Chuk no -3, District Gujrat, Pakistan. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Sheeda," Bush replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is
your army?"

"Right now," said Sheeda, after a moment `s calculation, "there is
myself, my cousin Basheera, my next door neighbor Karam Deen, and the entire kabaddi team from the village. That makes eight"

Bush paused. "I must tell you, Sheeda that I have one million men in my
army waiting to move on my command."

"BLOODY Hell " said Sheeda. "I `ll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Sheeda called again.
"Mr. Bush, it is Sheeda, I `m calling from Chuk no-3 more...

In the rural south, occasionally you will find an older gentleman who still uses a mule to make a garden.
Until he was 72, my father used one and contended that if you knew what you were doing with a good mule, you never needed a hoe for the grass.
Well, there was this old man who had been using a mule for years and it finally died on him. Seeing as he really needed a large garden to hold down food costs, he made a trip to see the mule dealer.
Admittedly, they are rare, but they still exist.
At the dealer's place he was surprised at how much prices for mules had increased in the last 20 years - mules live a long time.
After examining the available stock and the leanness of his wallet (he only had $125), he concluded he would have to settle for a mule almost as old as himself.
After extensive haggling with the dealer, they settled on a price, the old man made arrangements to return the next day with a horse trailer to pick up his purchase, and the dealer more...

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President`s staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man`s tractor."Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath."Did you see this terrible accident happen?""Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly."Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?""Yep.""Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped."Nope. They`s all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. more...

I haven't sold one tractor all month," a tractor salesman tells his friend.
"That's nothing compared to my problem," his buddy replies. "I was milking my cow when its tail whips around and hits me in the forehead, so I grabbed some string and tied its tail up to the rafters. Then I go back to milk it and it kicks me in the head with its right hind leg, so I grab some rope and tie its one leg up to the rafters. I go back to try and milk it again when it kicks me in the head with its left hind leg, so I tie its other leg up to the rafters. Then my wife comes walking in and I'll tell ya, if you can convince her that I was trying to milk that cow, I'll buy a tractor off ya."

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America.
Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force.
When they got there, the wreckage was clear.
The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.
Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff.
To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened.
They hurried over to surround the man's tractor."Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath."Did you see this terrible accident happen?""Yep.
Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly."Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?"Yep."Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped."Nope.
They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting more...

Farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who should he see, but his old friend Chris the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar.

Chris looked so down and dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him. "Say, Chris, how ya doing? How's the tractor selling business these days?" If Chris had looked sad before, at the mention of tractor sales, his face sank even more, and a tear came to his eye.

"John," he said, shaking his head, "I don't know what it is. I can't sell a tractor these days to save my life. I'll tell you, I just gotta sell one tractor and soon, or else I'll lose that dealership for good."

"Well," John said, taking the barstool next to him, "If you think you got it bad, I got it worse.

Now you listen to this...." "I went out to the barn the other morning to milk Bessy. That ol' cow gets more ornery as the years go by.

Anyway, no more...

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick-Rule."
The lawyer asked, What is the Texas Three-Kick-Rule?."
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, more...