Touring Jokes / Recent Jokes

A group of Americans was touring a market in India when Mr. Beesley noticed a local man watering his elephant. Strolling over and taking the man's picture, Beesley wondered if he had time to do some exploring on his own. Having left his watch at the hotel, he said, "I wonder, sir, if you could tell me the time?"
The Indian nodded, then reached out and took the elephant's balls in his hand, shifting them slightly.
"It's five of one," he said after a moment.
"Good God!" gasped the American. "That's incredible. Wait here, I've got to tell the others."
Rushing back to the group and telling them what he'd seen, he brought them over to the owner of the elephant and once again asked for the time. And once again the Indian reached out, cupped the elephant's balls in his hand as though weighing them, then moved them to one side and declared, "It is seven minutes past one."
One of the group members checked her watch and more...

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of dum blond jokes when a big blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "OK jerk, I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blond pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little fucker on your knee!"

A tourist guide in Gujarat used to advertise "The Dev Anand guide, the best guide knowing every inch of Gujarat."
An American touring party hired him to see Gujarat.
The guide was hopelessly wandering, changing the directions, and driving the touring party around for a long tie with a tremendous anxiety on his forehead.

The tourist party sensed he was lost. "This is ridiculous," one exasperated tourist said to the Dev Anand guide, "you told us that you were the best tourist guide in the state of Gujarat who knew every inch of land. Wasn't that true?"

"No that is true," Replied Dev Anand, "but you see we are somewhere in Marwar now!"

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful. The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one willbe able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow." "We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone." "Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune." "And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed. "No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!" The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, more...