Torn Jokes / Recent Jokes

What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet? A holy terror.

An official staff visit by LTG Claus is expected at this post on 25 Dec. The following directives govern activities of all Army personnel during the visit.
Not a creature will stir without permission. This includes warrant officers and mice. Soldiers may obtain special stirring permits for necessary administrative action through the Battalion S-1. Officer stirring permits must be obtained through the Deputy, Post Plans and Policy Office.
All personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap NLT 2200 hours, 24 December. Uniform for the nap will be; Pajamas, Cotton, Light Weight, General Purpose, OG, and Cap, BDU woodland pattern, with ear flaps in the extended position. Equipment will be drawn from the supply room prior to 1900 hours. While at supply, all personnel will review their personal hand receipts and sign a Cash Collection Voucher, DD Form 1131, for all missing items. Remember, this is the "season of giving."
Personnel will utilize standard more...

The attached was sent to me by a medical associate. It's not terribly funny but somewhat amusing. All I can say is: "OUCH!!!"
One morning I was called to the emergency room by the head ER nurse. She directed me to a patient who had refused to describe his problem other than to say that he "needed a doctor who took care of men's problems." The patient was pale, febrile, feverish and obviously uncomfortable, and had little to say as he gingerly opened his trousers to expose a bit of torn, black and blue scrotal skin.
After I asked the nurse to leave us, the patient permitted me to remove his trousers, shorts and two or three yards of foul smelling stained gauze, wrapped about his scrotum, which was swollen to twice the size of a grapefruit and extremely tender. A jagged laceration, oozing pus and blood, extended down the left scrotum.
Amid the matted hair, edematous (swollen) skin and various exudates, I saw some half buried dark linear objects and asked more...

Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
Go to closet and collect bag in which present is contained, and shut door.
Open door and remove cat from closet.
Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
Go to drawer, and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc...
Lay out presents and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.
Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit and collect string.
Remove present from bag.
Remove cat from bag.
Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
Try and smooth out paper, realize cat is underneath and remove cat.
Cut the paper to size, keeping the cutting line straight.
Throw away first sheet as cat chased the scissors, and tore the paper.
Cut second sheet of paper to size - by putting cat more...