Tools Jokes / Recent Jokes

Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life- until the boat sank.

He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"O, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus more...

Keeps trying to sell you extra teeth. His restrooms are labeled "Bleeders" and "Non-Bleeders" Pumps gas into the waiting room in advance. Does an extensive search for cavities...dental and body. He...ummm..licks his tools clean. Gets mad when you mention that 4 out of 5 dentists surveyed line. When you come to from being under the gas, he's quick to insist that you wore your pants backwards when you came into his office. Wears a necklace made of human teeth. Has a grindstone in the office for his tools. Insists that a Novacaine shot is something that he'll buy you at a bar if you just go out with him.

The Top 10 Signs Your Dentist Is Crazy

Keeps trying to sell you extra teeth.

His restrooms are labeled "Bleeders" and "Non-Bleeders"

Pumps gas into the waiting room in advance.

Does an extensive search for cavities... dental and body.

He... ummm.. licks his tools clean.

Gets mad when you mention that 4 out of 5 dentists surveyed line.

When you come to from being under the gas, he's quick to insist that you wore your pants backwards when you came into his office.

Wears a necklace made of human teeth.

Has a grindstone in the office for his tools.

Insists that a Novacaine shot is something that he'll buy you at a bar if you just go out with him.

Other people's tools work only in other people's gardens.

1) Open a new word document
2) From the Tools Menu, select' language' -' set language'
3) Choose English (United States)
4) In the document, type' I'd like to see Bill Gates dead'
5) Highlight the sentence, and consult the thesarus under tools.

'Twas the night before Christmas
when all through the house
I searched for the tools
to hand to my spouse
Instructions were studied
and we were inspired,
in hopes we could manage
"Some Assembly Required."
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
while Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's townhouse to boot!
And now, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!
We opened the boxes,
my heart skipped a beat -
let no parts be missing
or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
if we can't get it right, it goes straight to the basement!
When what to my worrying eyes should appear
but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
so if we failed, only we could be blamed.
More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
all over the carpet they were more...

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river."
Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.