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Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.
Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.
Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint. Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off. Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint. Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be *&%^#@* kidding!
Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

Customer: You more...

BUYING PAINT FROM A HARDWARE STORE
Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: We have regular quality for $12 a gallon and premium for $18.
How many gallons would you like?
Customer: Five gallons of regular quality, please.
Clerk: Great. That will be $60 plus tax.
BUYING PAINT FROM AN AIRLINE
Customer: Hi, how much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends.
Customer: Depends on what?
Clerk: Actually, a lot of things.
Customer: How about giving me an average price?
Clerk: Wow, that's too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a gallon, and we have 150 different prices up to $200 a gallon.
Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then, I'd like some of that $9 paint.
Clerk: Well, first I need to ask you a few questions. When do you intend to use it?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint more...

Buying paint from a hardware store:Customer: Hi, how much is your paint? Clerk: We have regular quality for $12 a gallon and premium for $18. How many gallons would you like? Customer: Five gallons of regular quality, please. Clerk: Great. That will be $60 plus tax.
Buying paint from an airline:Customer: Hi, How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, Sir that all depends. Customer: Depends on what? Clerk: Actually, a lot of things. Customer: How about giving me an average price? Clerk: Wow that's too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a gallon, and we have 150 different prices up to $200 a gallon. Customer: What's the difference in the paint? Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference, it's all the same paint. Customer: Well, then, I'd like some of that $9 paint. Clerk: Well, First I need to ask you a few questions. When do you intend to use it? Customer: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off. Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is $200 paint. Customer: What? When would I have to paint more...

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful. The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one willbe able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow." "We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone." "Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune." "And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed. "No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which more...

Here are some of the submissions of actual comments, notices, and statements coming out of different companies: As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation ) What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping) How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team) E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company) This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS) Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go more...

Santa got a part time job at the Chandigarh Post Office. The first assignment his supervisor gave him was the job of sorting the mail.
Santa separated the letters so fast that his motions were literally a blur. Extremely pleased by this, the supervisor approached Santa at the end of his first day.
"I just want you to know," the supervisor said, "that I'm very pleased with the job you did today. You're one of the fastest workers we've ever had."
"Thank you, Sir" said Santa, beaming, "and tomorrow I'll try to do even better."
"Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do any better than you did today?"
Santa replied, "Tomorrow I'm going to read the addresses."