Tim Jokes / Recent Jokes
After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.00. "That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit," Tim complained. Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap." The clerk handed him a mirror.
A grade school teacher was asking his pupils what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first. What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amy?"
Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amy" said the teacher. "What does your parent do, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's dad said, "I'm actually a system programmer specializing in TCP/IP communication protocol on UNIX systems. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What'cha doing, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. "I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth, then replied, "That's because he's inside your dumb cat."
After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50. 00.
"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30. 00.
"That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15. 00 bottle.
"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."
The clerk handed him a mirror.
Tim Kelly was walking therough a dim passageway when someonespoke to him. "Good evenin', Kelly," said the muffledfigure. "Don't ye be knowin' your old friend Grogan any more?" Kelly stared at Grogan, whose face was a patchwork of bandagesand adhesive plaster. One arm was in a sling and he was leaningon a crutch." Saints!" cried Kelly. "Was ye hit by a train, Grogan, or didye merely jump from the trestle?" "It could've been both," said Grogan, "considerin' the feel ofit. But the truth is, I was in bed with Murphy's wife when Murphyhimself comes in with a murtherin' big shillelagh in his hand, and the inconsiderate creature beat the livin' bejazus outa me." "He did indade," said Kelly. "But couldn't ye defend y'rself, Grogan? Hadn't ye nothin' in your own hand?" "Only Mrs. Murphy's ass," said Grogan. "It's a beautiful thingin itself, but not worth a dom in a fight."
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "Whatcha doing, Tim?" "My goldfish died," replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. "And Ive just buried him." The neighbor was concerned. "Thats an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isnt it?" Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "Thats because hes inside your cat."
Newlyweds, Tim and Nancy, spent their wedding night at a hotel. The following morning, Nancy`s closest friend, Jennifer, came over and asked them how their wedding night went. "I`m so exhausted," Nancy said. "All night long it was up and down, in and out, up and down, in and out." Misunderstanding her, an embarrased Jennifer was shocked that Nancy would speak so crassly. Tim clarified by adding, "Don`t ever get a room next to an elevator!"