Through Jokes / Recent Jokes

To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season
Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following
guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office
and Leisure Industry Council):
1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel
is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it
runs up an incredible long distance bill).
3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and
through the woods to Grandma's house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.
In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy
Holiday season.

Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. One day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad which read: Lose weightOnly $1. 00 a poundCall (202) 208-0238The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked,' How much weight do you want to lose?', to which the man responded,' Ten pounds.'The voice replied,' Very well, give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning.'. About 9: 00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating,' If you catch me, you can have me'. Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. more...

On the first day of Christmas, my drive through gave to me a Big
Bacon Classic with cheese.
On the second day of Christmas, my drive through gave to me Two
Happy Meals, and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.
On the third day of Christmas, my drive through gave to me Three
Biggie Fries, Two Happy Meals, and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.
On the fourth day of Christmas, my drive through gave to me Four
Egg McMuffins, Three Biggie Fries, Two Happy Meals, and a Big
Bacon Classic with cheese.
On the fifth day of Christmas, my drive through gave to me Five
onion rings, Four Egg McMuffins, Three Biggie Fries, Two Happy
Meals, and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.
On the sixth day of Christmas, My drive through gave to me Six
chocolate milkshakes, Five onion rings, Four Egg McMuffins, Three
Biggie Fries, Two Happy Meals, and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.
On the seventh day of Christmas, My drive through gave to me more...

The following gems of wisdom were gleaned from test papers and essays from elementary, junior high, high school, and college students. As one teacher noted, "It is truly astonishing what weird stuff our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades!""H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water." "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube." "When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide." "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water." "There is no Nitrogen in Ireland because it is not found in a free state." "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars." "Blood flows down one leg and up the other." "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration." The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader." "Dew is more...

Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree.
What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With dearest love and affection,
Agnes
December 15th
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
December 16th
Dear John:
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist. .. you're just too kind.
Love,
Agnes
December 17th
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
December 18th
Dearest John:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden more...

St Peter is standing at heavens gate when a man walks up."Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?""I was a policeman," he responded."What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked."I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids.""Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates."A few moments later a second man walks up."Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?""I was a policeman," he responded."What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked."I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers.""Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise."A few moments later a third man walks up."Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?""I was a policeman," he responded."What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked."I was a Military Policeman, Sir.""Excellent my more...

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen; I was cooking and baking and moanin and twitchin.
I've been here for hours, I can't stop to rest. This room's a disaster, just look at this mess!
Tomorrow I've got forty people to feed. They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need!
My feet are both blistered, and cramps in my legs. The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.
There's a knock at the door and the telephone's ringing; Frosting drips on the counter as the microwave's dinging.
Two pies in the oven, desserts almost done, My cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.
I've had all I can stand, I can't take anymore; Then in walks my husband, spilling bourbon on the floor.
He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady; Then grins as he chuckles "The eggnog is ready!"
He looks all around and with total regret, Says, "What's taking so long.... Aren't you through in here yet??"
As quick as a more...