Three Jokes / Recent Jokes

There were three guys, a Torontonian, an American and a Newfie. They were all going to be executed. The executioner said that since all three were to be executed that night, they would each get to choose the method by which they would die.
Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging. The American was afraid of needles and didn't want to be hanged, so he chose the electric chair. He sat in the chair and they pulled the switch and nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happens a second time that he could go free. They tried a second time and again nothing happened, so they set him free.
The guy from Toronto was also afraid of needles and didn't want to be hanged so he too chose the electric chair. Once again, the chair didn't work and he was free.
Next it was the Newfie's turn to pick how he was to be executed. He said, "I'm afraid of needles, the electric chair won't work so you're going to have to hang me."

Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in 3 days. They were all allowed to return to their homes and businesses and tell their friends and colleagues what was happening. God did tell them though, that no matter what they did he was "not" changing his mind.
Bill Clinton went in and told his staff, "I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news... there "is" a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."
Boris Yeltsin went back and told his staff, "I have good news and terrible news. The first is that there "is" a God. The second is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."
Bill Gates went back and told his staff, "I have good news and good news. First, God thinks I am one of the three most important more...

During WW II an American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe
for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a
supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a
train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not find
a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train
looking for any place to sit down.
Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was
room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking,
older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.
"Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked.
The lady was insulted. "You bloody Americans are so rude", she said,
"can't you see my dog is sitting there"?
He walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat.
He found himself back at the same place.
"Lady I love dogs - have more...

One day, a pirate ship is cruising the seas off the coast of England when the scout yells, "There's a English ship on the horizon." Immediately, the crew looks to the captain, who valiantly says, "Bring me my red shirt." The captain dons the shirt and the British ship commences the attack. The captain and his men fight valiantly and crush the british attackers.A few days later, the scout yells, "There are three English ships on the horizon." Immediately, the crew looks to the captain, and again he says (in his most manly voice), "Bring me my red shirt." Again, the English ships begin their attack and the pirates fight off all three of the attacking ships.After the battle is over, one of the mates sheepishly approaches the captain and asks, "Sir, why do you keep asking for your red shirt?" The captain replies, "I ask for the red shirt so if I am injured in battle, you will not see my blood, and will continue to fight." The more...

Three nurses died and went to Heaven, where they were met at the Pearly
Gates by St. Peter.
To the first, he asked, "So, what did you used to do back on Earth? Why
do you think you should be allowed to come into Heaven?"
"I was a nurse at an inner city hospital," she replied. "I worked to bring
healing and peace to many sufferers, especially poor, helpless children."
"Very noble," said St. Peter. "You may enter." And in through the Gates
she went.
To the next, he asked the same question, "So, what did you used to do?"
"I was a nurse at a missionary hospital in the Amazon basin," she replied.
"For many years, I worked with a skeleton crew of doctors and nurses who
tried to reach out to as many people across numerous tribes, with a hand
of healing and peace, and with the message about God's love."
"How touching," said St. Peter. "You, too, more...

Six sick slick slim sycamore saplings.

A box of biscuits, a batch of mixed biscuits

A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.

Red lorry, yellow lorry, red lorry, yellow lorry.

Unique New York.

Betty Botter had some butter,' 'But,'' she said,' 'this butter's bitter. If I bake this bitter butter, it would make my batter bitter. But a bit of better butter-- that would make my batter better.''

So she bought a bit of butter, better than her bitter butter, and she baked it in her batter, and the batter was not bitter. So' twas better Betty Botter bought a bit of better butter.

Six thick thistle sticks. Six thick thistles stick.

Is this your sister's sixth zither, sir?

A big black bug bit a big black bear, made the big black bear bleed blood.

The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick.

Toy boat. Toy boat. Toy boat.

One more...

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?' "A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad." "A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."' "If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait." "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every more...