Thank Jokes / Recent Jokes

After many unhappy replies from our current vending service we decided that what they really needed was a different form letter that was more closely tied to their true feeling:
ABC Vending Service
Thank you for your (inquiry / comments / complaints) about our vending service.
We are aware that machine
has not been stocked in days.
We are waiting for the weekend.
We are out of items that have expired.
We're busy, don't bother us about this.
We don't care.
We are aware that the price for
seems high at $ but,
we have to make a living.
we use an algorithm 3*retail+yourage.
we charge others more.
we adjust it to allow for spoilage.
We are aware that
the sodas are warm
the milk is curdled
sandwiches are stale
gum is hard
candy bars are petrified
and assure you that that is
the way it is supposed to be, really.
We understand that
the bill changer can't,
coin return more...

Occasionally, airline flight attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position.""There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 6 ways out of this airplane...""Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.""We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane.""Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign more...

1.) Man: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Yes, I was the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."2.) Man: "So, wanna go back to my place? " Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"3.) Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants." Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."4.) The most memorable rebuttal to a turn-down (used by the guy whoused to live across the hall from me in residence) when he asked a girl to dance and she refused:Man: "Want to Dance?"Woman: "No, thank you."Man: "Don't thank me, thank God because somebody asked you."5.) Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"Woman: "It's in the phone book."Man: "But I don't know your name."Woman: "That's in the phone book too."6.) Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "Female impersonator."7.) Man: "You know, I'd really love to travel more...

A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit….
Man: “Hi! Am I ever happy to see you. ”
Girl: “Hi! It seems like you’ve been here a long time. How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette? ”
Man: “It’s been ten years! ” With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette.
Man: “Oh thank you so much! ”
Girl: “So tell me how long its been since you had a drink? ”
Man: “It’s been ten years” The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.
Man: “Oh… thank you so much. You are like a miracle! ”
Girl: [Starting to unzip the front of her wet suit.] “So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around? ”
Man: “Oh, my God, don’t tell me you’ve got a set of golf clubs in there too?! ”

Dear *insert your name here*, Thank you for leaving [ ] tooth/teeth under your pillow last night.While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of lost or stolen children's teeth, we were unable to process your request for the following reason(s) indicated below:( ) the tooth could not be found( ) it was not a human tooth( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odor( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you( ) the tooth fairy does not process fingernails( ) your request has been forwarded to the Nerve Ending Fairy for appropriate action( ) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth fairy( ) you are age 12 or older at the time your request was received( ) the tooth is still in your mouth( ) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of our visit( ) no nightlight was on at the time of our more...

The three-time crook felt a wave of panic come over him as he surveyed the jury in the courthouse. Positive he'd never beat the murder rap, he managed to get hold of one of the kindlier-looking jurors, and bribe her with his life savings to go for a manslaughter verdict.

Sure enough, at the close of the trial the jury declared him guilty of manslaughter. Tears of gratitude welling up in his eyes, the young man had a moment with the juror before being led off to prison. "Thank you, thank you-how'd you do it?"

"It wasn't easy," she admitted. "They all wanted to acquit you."

Delighted by the gift she had received, the lady spoke warmly to the boy, "At church tomorrow, I'll thank your mother for this lovely pie."

"If you don't mind, ma'am," the boy suggested nervously, "would you thank her for two pies?"