Thank Jokes / Recent Jokes
Real stories from Flight Attendants apologizing for rough transport on the airlines...
From a disgruntled Southwest Airlines employee....
"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
United Airlines FA: more...
My most memorable one was, after being lightly smacked on the butt and asking, "What was that for?" "Nothing. DO something and see what you get." I once got smacked and when I asked, "What was that for?" my mom replied, That's for all the things I never found out about." If you fall out of that tree and break your leg, don't come running to me! Variation: Cut your legs off in that lawnmower, don't you come running to me! If you poke your eye out with that thing, don't come looking for me! You always find things in the last place you look. Keep doing that with your face and it'll stay that way. This hurts me more than it hurts you. Variation: (speaking in time with the spanking) This(spank) hurts(spank) me(spank) more(spank)..... I want you to go find something for me to spank you with. Mother to my Father: "He's got my looks and your brains!" "He's your son!"I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate. What were you thinking more...
1. Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
2. The most memorable rebuttal to a turn down (used by the guy who used to live across the hall from me in residence) when he asked a girl to dance and she refused:
Man: "Want to Dance?"
Woman: "No, thank you."
Man: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."
3. Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
4.Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "Female impersonator."
5. Q: What sign were you born under?
A: No Parking.
6. After hearing a pick-up line:
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
7. A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60's approach her more...
1. Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?" Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
2. The most memorable rebuttal to a turn down (used by the guy who used to live across the hall from me in residence) when he asked a girl to dance and she refused:
Man: "Want to Dance?" Woman: "No, thank you." Man: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."
3. Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book." Man: "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
4.Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "Female impersonator."
5. Q: What sign were you born under?
A: No Parking.
6. After hearing a pick-up line: Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
7. A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60's approach her in a club while she was in more...
1. Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?" Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"2. The most memorable rebuttal to a turn down (used by the guy who used to live across the hall from me in residence) when he asked a girl to dance and she refused:Man: "Want to Dance?" Woman: "No, thank you." Man: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."3. Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book." Man: "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too."4.Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "Female impersonator."5. Q: What sign were you born under? A: No Parking.6. After hearing a pick-up line: Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."7. A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60's approach her in a club while she was in college with the line, "Where have you more...
There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny. The husband then donated some of his skin...however, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks.
The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty!
She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!!
He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!
Useful Work Phrases 1. Thank you. We`re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 2. I don`t know what your problem is, but I`ll bet it`s hard to pronounce. 3. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don`t care. 4. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 5. I`m not being rude. You`re just insignificant. 6. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 7. How about never? Is never good for you? 8. I`m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. 9. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication. 10. I`ll try being nicer if you`ll try being smarter. 11. I`m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. 12. I don`t work here. I`m a consultant. 13. It might look like I`m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I`m really quite busy. 14. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits. 15. I see you`ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.