Terms Jokes / Recent Jokes

How to Argue Effectively I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules: -=- Make things up. Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove that Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you are not going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say instead: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1, 452. 81 per annum, which is $836. 07 before the mean gross poverty level." NOTE: Always make up exact figures. If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission more...

Top 25 Engineer`s Terms and Expressions (What they say versus what they mean)
A number of different approaches are being tried. (We are still guessing at this point.)
Close project coordination. (We sat down and had coffee together.)
An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach. (We just hired three punk kids out of school.)
Major technological breakthrough! (It works OK; but looks very hi-tech!) Customer satisfaction is believed assured. (We are so far behind schedule, that the customer will take anything.)
Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive. (The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)
Test results were extremely gratifying! (Unbelievable, it actually worked!)
The entire concept will have to be abandoned. (The only guy who understood the thing quit.)
It is in process. (It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is completely hopeless.)
We will look into it. (Forget it! We have enough problems more...

Theorem: 1 = 1/2: Proof: We can re-write the infinite series 1/(1*3) + 1/(3*5) + 1/(5*7) + 1/(7*9)+... as 1/2((1/1 - 1/3) + (1/3 - 1/5) + (1/5 - 1/7) + (1/7 - 1/9) +. .. ). All terms after 1/1 cancel, so that the sum is 1/2. We can also re-write the series as (1/1 - 2/3) + (2/3 - 3/5) + (3/5 - 4/7)+ (4/7 - 5/9) +. .. All terms after 1/1 cancel, so that the sum is 1. Thus 1/2 = 1.

Top 25 Engineer's Terms and Expressions (What they say versus what they mean)A number of different approaches are being tried. (We are still guessing at this point.) Close project coordination. (We sat down and had coffee together.) An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach. (We just hired three punk kids out of school.) Major technological breakthrough! (It works OK; but looks very hi-tech!) Customer satisfaction is believed assured. (We are so far behind schedule, that the customer will take anything.) Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive. (The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.) Test results were extremely gratifying! (Unbelievable, it actually worked!) The entire concept will have to be abandoned. (The only guy who understood the thing quit.) It is in process. (It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is completely hopeless.) We will look into it. (Forget it! We have enough problems already.) Please note and initial. (Let's spread the more...

Alternative Medical Terms
Benign... What you be after you be eight.
Artery... The study of paintings.
Bacteria... Back door to cafeteria.
Barium... What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section... A neighborhood in Rome.
Cat scan... Searching for kitty.
Cauterize... Made eye contact with her.
Colic... A sheep dog.
Coma... A punctuation mark.
D & C... Where Washington is.
Dilate... To live long.
Enema... Not a friend.
Fester... Quicker than someone else.
Fibula... A small lie.
Genital... Non-Jewish person.
G.I. Series... World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail... What you hang your coat on.
Impotent... Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain... Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff... A Doctor's cane.
Morbid... A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates... Cheaper than day rates.
Node... Was aware of
Outpatient... A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear... A fatherhood test.
Pelvis... more...

The party of the first part (herein referred to as "she"), being of sound mind and pretty good body, agrees to the following with the party of the second part (herein referred to as "him"):
1. FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship (colloquially referred to as the "first date"), each party agrees to fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet been terminated.
Further, each party agrees to make known any deep-seated complexes and/or fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, and/or organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures will result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere.
2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold the person who arranged the liaison (colloquially referred more...

Here is a table of terms used by headhunters and orher people who are hiring new folks:
ENTRY-LEVEL POSITIONYou'll be making under $7 an hour.
ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANYYou'll be making under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.
AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANYWe want you to get your hopes up, but there's no chance in hell we'll be the next Microsoft.
PROFIT-SHARING PLANOnce it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit.
COMPETITIVE SALARYWe remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANYWe have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADERInc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.
IMMEDIATE OPENINGThe person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.
SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTERWe're not going to supply you with more...