Terms Jokes / Recent Jokes
Hillbilly Medical Terms
Benign... What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria... Back door to cafeteria.
Barium... What you do with dead folks.
Cesarean Section... A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan... Searching for the cat.
Cauterize... Made eye contact with her.
Colic... A sheep dog.
Coma... A punctuation mark.
D&C... Where Washington is.
Dilate... To live longer than your kids do.
Enema... Not a friend.
Fester... Quicker than someone else.
Fibula... A small lie.
G.I.Series... World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail... What you hang your coat on.
Impotent... Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain... Getting hurt at work.
Morbid... A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates... Cheaper than day rates.
Medical Staff... A Doctor's cane, sometimes shown with a snake.
Node... I knew it.
Outpatient... A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear... A fatherhood test.
Pelvis... Second cousin to Elvis.
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When I went to college in the 1980's, I heard a lot of words like "data input" and "beta version." They confused me. I wanted desperately to know what people were talking about, what Big Secret resided in the computer industry.
Now that I've worked in a computer company for the last few years, I've gained an insider's perspective. I decided to share my knowledge with the uninitiated by creating the following brief, handy glossary:
Alpha. Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work."
Beta. Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."
Computer. Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked. On more...
How to Argue and Win Every Time
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an
argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:
*Drink liquor.
Suppose you are at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.
*Make things up.
Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to more...
New Official Politically Correct Terms for the 90'sOLD
NEWconservative-reactionarythe establishment-white power elitehearing person-temporarily aurally abledsighted person-temporarily visually abledblind-visually challengedmute-vocally challengeddeaf-aurally challengeddead-metabolically differentalive-temporarily metabolically abledugly-aesthetically challengedfat-gravitationally challengedheavy-set-people of massrude-politically correct psychopath-socially misalignedcrooked-ethically challengedklutzy-kinesthetically challengedbald-follicularly challengedshort-differently staturednon-white, non-male oppressed-white melanin impoverished / genetically oppressivewhite male-oppressorblack-african-americanasian-asian-americanafro-american-african-americanminority group-numerically challenged group; under-represented populationblack-person of colorChicano-person of colorweird green freak-person of colorfemale-person of genderdrooling drunk idiot-person on floorgroup of more...
Redneck computer terms
Log On: Makin' the wood stove hotter.
Log Off: Don't add no wood.
Monitor: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.
Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.
Mega Hertz: When yer not careful down loadin'.
Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from pilin' too much firewood.
Ram: The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood.
Hard Drive: Getting' home in the winter season.
Prompt: What you wish the mail was in the winter.
Windows: What to shut when it's below 15 below.
Screen: What' cha need for the black fly season.
Byte: That's what the flies do.
Chip: What to munch on.
Micro Chip: What's left in the bottom of the bag.
Infrared: Where the left-overs go when Fred's around.
Modem: What' cha did to the hay fields.
Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife.
Lap Top: Where little kids feel more...