Ten Jokes / Recent Jokes
A really horny man walks into a whorehouse, but only has ten dollars. He walks up to the manager and says "What can I get for ten bucks?"
The manager replies, "The only thing we got at that price is some old bag who's been in the business for 50 years."
The man tells the manager that it will have to do and he is instructed to go into one of the bedrooms. After about five minutes the old lady appears and the guy starts screwin' her.
"Damn! he says you are really dry."
"Hold on," she says and she walks into the bathroom. The old lady comes back out of the bathroom and they start up again.
The guy goes "This is way better, what did you do?"
The old lady replies, "I scratched my scabs."
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5: 00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1. 37.""And that's how you built an empire?" the boy asked."Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5: 00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1. 37.
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
This guy walks in to a bar. He has a few and gets loaded. Another guy says "Hey buddy, want ten bucks?" And of course, the reply is yes. He says "Either you screw a nun, or pull out a rottwieler's loose tooth. Your choice. Then I'll give you your ten bucks.." You gotta remember, this guy's drunk. He says he'll pick the rottweiler. So he goes in to a room and there's a bunch of banging around in the room and finally the guy walks out bleeding. He then says "Wow! That sure was tough. Will you pay me twenty buck if I go see the nun with the loose tooth?"
The boss of a small company called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the employer, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest, whose theme was "Viagra advertising slogans." Dividing into ten groups of three, the only rule was
they had to use past ad slogans that captured the essence of Viagra.
About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions, and created a Top Ten List." After all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone:
10. Viagra, it's "Whaazzzzzz up!"
9. Viagra. The quicker pecker upper.
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a [woman], but made for a more...
TOP TEN REASONS WHY COREL LOST $32 MILLION
'Analysts say the discrepancy resulted from a lack of sales through resellers to end users'--that's the official reason Corel lost $32 million in the third quarter. Sounds like a cover-up to us. Herewith, the *real* reasons for the revenue shortfall:
10. Hot air for the Corel blimp
9. Still waiting for Sun and Netscape to come through on the Office for Java deal
8. Fuel cost write-off for Dr. Cowpland's Lamborghini
7. New Canadian hockey tax really takes a bite
6. Photo CD' The Statuary of Flint, Michigan' never generated anticipated revenue
5. Started their Macintosh product division too late
4. Shipping costs of massive Corel Office Suite much higher than expected
3. Corel C++ for Java for Windows
2. CFO did the financial statement in CorelDraw...
1.. ..and designed the annual report in Quattro Pro
Seventy Six Neutrons
(Tune, Seventy Six Trombones)
Seventy six lithe neutrons swayed on Cesium's bar,
Half a hundred and ten bold protons...
Hold it! Hold it!. That's Cesium 131. Half life only about 9. 69 days.
Let's go for immortality here. Worth a shot anyway...
Seventy Eight Neutrons
(Tune, Seventy Six Trombones)
Seventy eight lithe neutrons swayed on Cesium's bar,
Half a hundred and ten bold protons joined the press.
And the eletronettes were a-whirling in duets,
All but one, the singular miss Six S.
Seventy eight nubile neutrons writhed in close array,
Half a hundred and ten lusty protons swelled the crowd.
And the electron pairs played blue photonic airs,
From within a shining quantum cloud.
There were pions, muons, quarks and other fermions,
Tunneling, tunneling, in a state of partial dress.
' Till an oily bit of water came a wandering,
And miss more...