Take Jokes / Recent Jokes

A little old lady walked into the head branch of the Chase Manhattan
Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man
at the window that she wished to take the 3 million she had in the
bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though,
she wished to meet the president of Chase Manhattan Bank due to the
amount of money involved.
The teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and after
opening the paper bag and seeing the bundles of 1,000 bills which
amounted to right around 3 million, telephoned the bank's secretary
to obtain an appointment for the lady.
The lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's
office. Introductions were made and she stated that she would like
to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal
level. The bank president then asked her where she came into such a
large amount of money. "Was it an inheritance?" he asked. more...

Homelite Zip Start Vac Attack Blower:
Do not point blower in direction of people or pets.
(Wild animals are presumably okay?)
Bono 527 Multi-Purpose Cement:
Exposure may result in confusion.
(Anyone who sniffs glue is more than confused)
Bowl-Fresh Automatic Toilet Cleaning Tablets:
Harmful if swallowed.
(I know a kid who can put a whole orange in his mouth- but that's beside the point)
Sunbeam Simple Press Iron:
To prevent burn injury, keep hand away from heated area.
(I had no idea intense heat could BURN you! Go figure!)
Hungry Jack Lite Syrup:
Caution: Syrup bottle may be hot.
(After lengthy instructions on how to heat the bottle.)
50 Water Balloons:
This bag is not a toy.
(Yes indeed, it's the real thing!)
9 Piece Super Bouncers Bouncing Balls:
This toy is a small ball.
(Apparently that's a bad thing.)
Tagamet HB2000:
Do not take if you are allergic to Tagamet HB2000 or other acid more...

Q: How many armies does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: At least five. The Germans to start it, the French to give up really easily after only trying for a little while, the Italians to make a start, get nowhere, and then try again from the other side, the Americans to turn up late and finish it off and take all the credit, and the Swiss to pretend nothing out of the ordinary is happening.

You Might Be a Redneck If
You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve
yourselves.
You can't take a nap without at least one hand tucked inside your pants.
You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
You've ever stolen toilet paper.
Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
There's an expired license plate hanging on your living room wall.
You've ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil.
You think the Bud Bowl is real.
You think "six to ten pounds" on the side of the Pampers box means how much
the diaper will hold.
You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
You have a black eye and a hickey at the same time.
Your kids have a three-day old Kool-Aid mustache
You offer to give somebody the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
Your chili's secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.
Turning more...

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? a) '66 Ford Fairlane b) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle c) '64 Pontiac GTO
3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?
4. A pulpwood cutter has chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The lot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tall-Boys will it take to cut the trees?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 more...

A guy named Joe receives a free ticket to the SuperBowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Joe arrives at the stadium, he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium, he's closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Joe sees through his binoculars an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yardline.
He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, Joe asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"
The man says "No."
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Joe again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl and not use it?!"
The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is more...

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal,
his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's
roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between John and his roommate and this only
made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two
interact, she started to wonder if there was more between
John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's
thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just
roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever
since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to
find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose
she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter
just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mother,
I'm not saying you' did' take a gravy more...