Surprise Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man enters a bar with his pet monkey and orders a drink. While he's drinking, the monkey is jumping all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives from the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth and, to everyone's amazement, swallows it whole.
"Did you see what your monkey just did?" the bartender screams at the guy.
"No, what did he do?" the guy asks.
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!" exclaims the bartender.
"That doesn't surprise me," the guys says. "He eats everything in sight, the little bugger. I'm sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and the other stuff." He finishes his drink, pays for it, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, and leaves.
A couple of weeks later, he goes to the bar again and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey begins to run around the more...

The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel No. 5 for his wife's birthday."A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk."You bet," answered the customer. "She's expecting a cruise."

Dear Diary: Monday: Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It’s fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said, “Beat 12 eggs separately. ” The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls. Tuesday: Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, “Serve without dressing. ” So I didn’t dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper. Wednesday: A good day for rice. Recipe said, “Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. ” It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can’t say it improved the rice any. Thursday: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, ”Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. ” Which is what led up to Bob asking me why there was lettuce in our bed that night. Friday: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, “Put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. ” There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got more...

A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing more...

A student of proctology is in the morgue one day after classes, wanting to get a little practice in before the final exams. He goes over to a table where a body is lying face down. He uncovers the sheet over the body, and to his surprise he finds a cork in the corpse`s rectum. Figuring that this is fairly unusual, he pulls the cork out, and to his surprise, music begins playing: "On the road again... just can`t wait to get on the road again..." The student is amazed, and places the cork back in the backside. The music stops. Totally freaked out, the student calls the Medical Examiner over to the corpse. "Look at this, this is really something," the student tells the examiner as he pulls the cork back out again. "On the road again... just can`t wait to get on the road again..." "So what?" the Medical Examiner replies, obviously unimpressed with the student`s discovery. "But isn`t that the most amazing thing you`ve ever seen?" asked the more...

Moshe walks into a bar and sits down. He gets out a tiny little box and to the man sitting next to hims surprise the box starts playing music. After further inspection the man realises that inside the box is a ten inch pianist playing on a tiny grand piano.
"That's incredible!", the man says, "Where did you get that?"
"Well", says Moshe, "I found this magic lamp". At that Moshe pulls aout a magic lamp from his jacket.
The man says "Could I make a wish please?"
Moshe agrees to the man's wishes but does warn him about the lamp:
"The thing is, the lamp doesn't work very well..."
However the man is already rubbing the lamp. After the man stops making his wish, the bar fills with hundreds of thousands of hound dogs, barking and biting.
"I didn't wish for this", the man says in utter surprise, "I wished for a million POUNDS"
So Moshe replies "Well did you thing I wished for a more...

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did? ” The guy says, “No, what? ” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole! ” says the bartender. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, ” replies the patron. “He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff. ” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls more...