Stock Jokes / Recent Jokes

There were four men at a golf club playing a normal game.One man went to the bathroom.
The first guy says "my son is so successful
being a stock broker, he evn gave a stock folder away for free.The second man says" my son is so successful being a house salesman, that he gave a house away for free" the third man says" my son is so successful being a cars saleman that he gave a car away for free".the forth man came back from the bathroom and the other guys asked how well his son is doing.The man says"my son is gay but he is doing really great he just got a stock folder a house and a car.

While the US stock market is at an all time high, the ups and downs frighten a lot of small investors like me. I went to my financial adviser at the bank and ask if he were worried. He replied that he slept like a baby.
I was amazed and asked, "Really? Even with all the fluctuations?"
He said, "Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of hours."

An
older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store
one Friday
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told
the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his
girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought
out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man
said, "I don't think you understand, I want something
very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special
stock and brought another ring over. "Here's
a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler
said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body
trembled
with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll
take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the
old man stated, by check. " I know you need to
make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and
you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and
I'll pick the ring up Monday more...

Helium was up, feathers were down.

Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

Knives were up sharply.

Cows steered into a bull market.

Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom.

Diapers remained unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.

Coca Cola fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Sun peaked at midday.

Balloon prices were inflated.

Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.

And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

Today's Stock Market Report:

Helium was up, feathers were down.

Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

Knives were up sharply.

Cows steered into a bull market.

Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom.

Diapers remained unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.

Coca Cola fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Sun peaked at midday.

Balloon prices were inflated.

Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.

And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

Here's the day's stock market report:
Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Rain dampened the rally.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

a blonde walks in to a grocery looking for achicken but cold not find one big in uf for her family, she asks the stock boy do these chicken grow any bigger stock boy replies no mam their dead