Stock Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him." They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also." They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one." The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."

OFFICE MEMO
Date: 1/18/96
SPINDLER CALLS IN AIR STRIKE, DESTROYS APPLE TO SAVE IT
Stock Price Increases 50%
"We'll do it better," Says Microsoft
CUPERTINO, Calif. JANUARY 18, 1996
The massive pile of smoking rubble near Interstate 280 here in Cupertino was not the result of an earthquake or natural gas explosion, as officials first believed.
It now appears that the terrific explosion and fire at Apple Computer headquarters was the result of the first corporate-initiated airstrike on U. S. or California soil in U. S. history.
Sources within Apple have told newspapers that, in an effort to save Apple from an internal coup that would result in the breakup and sale of the company, embattled Apple CEO Michael Spindler called in elements of the California Air National Guard, based at Moffet Federal Air Station in Mountain View, Calif. to bomb and strafe his own headquarters.
Spindler allegedly called the California Air National Guard more...

Was Affected by the Stock Market Crash "He can't come to the phone right now..he's on the ledge." "He won't be in today...he was made an offer and he refused." "He left the building and not via the elevator..if you catch my drift." "I'm sorry, sir..she's not in...she's out digging up your can as we speak." There's a sign on her desk that says "Next Broker Please." "He's on another line with his Mommy..would you care to hold?" "No sir, that wasn't him streaking through the Stock Exchange" "He's meeting with the SEC as we speak." "I'm sorry, ma'am but that was him being led from the Stock Exchange naked except for the sale tickets stuck to his body via maple syrup." "Yes sir, that is him in the White Bronco leading the cops down the freeway."

OFFICE MEMO
Date: 1/18/96

SPINDLER CALLS IN AIR STRIKE, DESTROYS APPLE TO SAVE IT

Stock Price Increases 50%

"We`ll do it better," Says Microsoft

CUPERTINO, Calif. JANUARY 18, 1996
The massive pile of smoking rubble near Interstate 280 here in Cupertino was not the result of an earthquake or natural gas explosion, as officials first believed.

It now appears that the terrific explosion and fire at Apple Computer headquarters was the result of the first corporate-initiated airstrike on U. S. or California soil in U. S. history.

Sources within Apple have told newspapers that, in an effort to save Apple from an internal coup that would result in the breakup and sale of the company, embattled Apple CEO Michael Spindler called in elements of the California Air National Guard, based at Moffet Federal Air Station in Mountain View, Calif. to bomb and strafe his own headquarters.

Spindler allegedly more...

Four guys are drinking in a bar, bragging about their sons.
"My son," the first one says, "started out washing cars at dealership, but now owns the dealership and just gave one of his friends four new cars of his choice!"
"My son," said the second, "started out serving lunch in a real estate office, but now owns the real estate office and just gave one of his friends a new mansion!"
"My son," said the third, "started out sweeping the floors at the Stock Exchange, but now practically owns the Stock Exchange and just gave one of his friends a $1,000,000 in stock."
"Well," the fourth guy said, "my son's turned out to be a bit of a disappointment. He's a gay hairdresser and he has SEVERAL boyfriends. On the plus side, between them, they gave him four cars, a mansion, and a million dollars in stock for his birthday."

Version 1:
How many stockbrokers does it take to change a light bulb?
"My God! It burnt out!! Sell all my G. E. stock NOW!!!"
Version 2:
How many stockbrokers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two all up. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).

Four guys are hanging out at a bar, and one gets up to go to the bathroom. While he is gone, one of the others sparks up a conversation about his son.

He says, "I was afraid to think of my son's future when he was working as a secretary for a Real estate agency, but when he left that job, he started his own agency, and he's so rich now, that he gave his best friend a new house for his birthday!"

Another man says, "I thought my son was going nowhere when he had a job getting coffee for a stockbroker, but when he left that job, he started playing the market, and now he's so rich, he gave his best friend a million dollars in stock for his birthday!"

Another man says, "I thought my son wasn't going anywhere with his job as a secretary in a car dealership, but now he owns his own dealership, and he gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday!"

The fourth man returned from the bathroom, and they asked him more...