Steven Wright Jokes / Recent Jokes

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn`t park anywhere near the place.

My girlfriend`s so intense. She woke me up the other night and asked, "If you could tell exactly when and how you were going to die, would you want to know?" "Heck no," I said, "Why?" "Doesn`t matter, just go back to sleep."

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody`s satellite dish. My dreams showed up on TVs all over the world.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

They say we`re 98% water. We`re that close to drowning. [Picks up a glass of water from the stool.] I like to live on the edge.

When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading it. It said, "Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I`m an idiot."

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.