Squeeze Jokes / Recent Jokes

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man," what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a more...

14. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor; then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"
13. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettuccine alfredo you had for breakfast.
12. Take in a wineskin filled with water. Stand and slowly squeeze it out into the toilet, every 15-20 seconds moan or sigh.
11. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."
10. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
9. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
8. Stick your open palm under more...

A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that
they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until
all the juice ran into a glass, and then give the lemon to a patron. Anyone who
could squeeze another drop of juice out would win the money. Many people tried
but nobody was able to do it.
One day a scrawny, little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester
suit. He said in a squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter
died down, the bartender grabbed a lemon and squeezed it. Then he handed the
wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man who clenched it in his small
fist.
Soon the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as six drops of juice fell
into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000 and asked
the little man, "What do you do for a living?"
The little man replied with a winning smile, "I work for the more...

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they had a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time but nobody could do it. One day, a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit. "I'd like to try the bet," he said in a tiny, squeaky voice. After the laughter had died down, the bartender grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000 and asked the little man what he did for a living. Was he a lumberjack, or a weightlifter, or what? "I work for the IRS."

Three guys were talking in the local bar. The manager was so sure that its bouncer was the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000 bet that no could beat him.
The challenge was that the landlord would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.
Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters, karate masters, and all had failed. Then one day this geeky little fella with heavy black rimmed glasses came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.
After the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar!
Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the more...

1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor,' May I borrow a highlighter?' 2. Say,' Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that.' 3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise. 4. Say,' Damn, this water's cold.' 5. Drop a marble and say,' Oh shit! My glass eye!' 6. Say,' Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.' 7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly. 8. Say,' Now how did that get there?' 9. Say,' Humus. Reminds me of humus.' 10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,' Whoa! Easy boy!' 11. Say,' Interesting.. more floaters than sinkers.' 12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,' Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?' 13. more...

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they findthat they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off thelights because they cant see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why dont we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you dont want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you dont want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis...... fifty times"