Spot Jokes / Recent Jokes

A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but was not getting many. Then, he discovered the problem; a 10 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read, "SPEED TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign painted "TIPS" and a bucket of change.

Morning. Uh, just to help you cope until you wake up:
Feet. They are the frayed bits at the end of your legs. They go on the floor.
Hands. Also frayed, but somewhat different. Let's see, how do we sort this one? I know; stand up. Can you touch the floor with your nose without falling? Right, in that case your hands and feet are mixed up. Pick your hands up _after_ you've put your feet on the floor. Glad we've got that sorted. Now your hands will come in handy (just my little pun) for all sorts of things. Lifting your nightie so you don't pee on the hem. Holding the kettle under the tap while you try to remember what you are doing. Closing the curtains before the sunlight burns out your retinas. The main use for hands is to fend off any walls, doors, hatstands, or other predators which will attack without notice.
Ears. Best left off until you are fully awake. Nothing will sound right, and you'll spend far too much time worrying about the ominous creak which is in fact a more...

The Homeland Security Department has unveiled an early version of an anxiety-detecting machine that could spot terrorists. Crtics say the machines are unreliable and may just detect those afraid of flying, passengers whose flights have been delayed, or people who have invested in financial stocks.

Little Mitchell hurt his finger and ran crying to his mother. She kissed it and said, "There, that will make it feel better."
A few minutes later, Mitchell scratched his forehead. His mother took care of the wound, then once more kissed the spot and sent her little man out to play.
In half an hour Mitchell was back again. This time one of his friends had kicked him in a more intimate region; he came in screaming wildly and pointing to the spot.
"Damn it," said his mother, "you're getting more like your father every day."

There was a boy over at his girlfriends house to pick her up for a date and to meet his girlfriends parents. He was sitting in the livingroom with her parents and was real nervous and he was getting gas. He accidently let one go right in front of them and her mom yelled to the dog that was sitting there "spot get over here!" he thought to himself "Wow she thought that was the dog" so he farted again and her mom yelled again "spot get over here!" He thought to himself ill do it once more and ill feel better so he let anouther one go and just then his girlfriends mom yelles "spot get over here before that boy shits on you!"

Four-year-old Robert tells his kindergarten teacher that he has a new baby brother, called Spot.
"Spot?" says the teacher. "Are you sure it's not a puppy your Dad bought you?"
Robert was adamant that his brother's name was Spot - until next morning, when he issued a correction.
"Actually, it's Mark."

Things you don't want to hear during surgery:


1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
2. Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop
3. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
4. Spot! Spot! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!
5. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
6. Hand me that... uh... that uh... thingie.
7. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
8. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
9. Damn, there go the lights again...
10. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of' em.
11. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
12. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
13. Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
14. I hope his family won't miss him
15. And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
16. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is more...