Spit Jokes / Recent Jokes

NAME: Trouser Snake (Expetirious Trouseris)

LOCATION; Throughout the world.

DESCRIPTION:

One eyed with mushroom-shaped head (others types may come with extra layers of skin)

*Varying from pink to black.

*Fang-less with a highly venomous spit (Spit can reach distances up to 2-3 feet).

*Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood & sub-species.

SYMPTOMS; This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal.

*WARNING* BEWARE: It has been know to attack men in the lower abdomen!!!!!!!

HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms. Likes dark damp caves. but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.

ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccines are available for women. However once the venom is injected into the body only drastic more...

You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".

One day after the dentist had cleaned my teeth he told me to rinse, so I picked up the cup poured in the water and then he had me spit into a miniature toilet bowl, as I am doing this the dentist walks out. After I spit I can't sit back because I now have a line going from my bottom lip to the bowl, and I can't get it off.

At this exact moment the dentist walks back in, looks at my lip, the bowl and says "Oh look A RAINBOW!"

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse and a miniskirt and high heels. My measurements are 36-24-36. I work out every day. I'm toned and perfect. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought at Walmart. I am also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner - it smells a little funny.
Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK.
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping. I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are more...

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. He only brought enough money for one beer though. As hes drinking his beer, which was quite expensive, he realizes how bad he has to go to the bathroom. Not wanting anyone to drink his expensive beer, he takes out a 3x5 note card and writes on it, "I SPIT IN THIS BEER", and walks to the bathroom. When he comes back about 15 minutes later, theres another 3x5 note card next to his beer saying, "I SPIT IN IT TOO".

It is illegal to use profanity in front of a dead body which lies in a funeral home or in a coroners office. Signs are required to be written in English. It is against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp. One man may not be on another man's back. Though it is illegal to spit from a car or bus, citizens may spit from a truck.You have the right to commit simple battery if provoked by "fighting" words. Members of the state assembly cannot be ticketed for speeding while the state assembly is in session. Donkeys may not be kept in bathtubs. No one may carry an ice cream cone in their back pocket if it is Sunday. It is illegal to take a bath of orange peel.Acworth: All citizens must own a rake. Columbus: Can't cut off a chicken's head on Sunday. Columbus: It is illegal to carry a chicken by it's feet down Broadway on Sunday. Gainesville: Chicken must be eaten with the hands. Jonesboro: It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" Kennesaw: Every head of more...

Lafayette: You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person.(Dumb Laws - California)