Southerner Jokes / Recent Jokes

If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles: If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a 12 pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.
Remember, "ya'll" is singular, "all ya'll" is plural, and "all ya'll's" is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Ya'll oughta not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!"
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you more...

Then there was the southerner who ordered chitlms and admonished the waiter to "cook the shit out of'em."

If you are planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles:
The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes. The South has' mater samiches.
The North has coffee houses. The South has Waffle Houses.
The North has dating services. The South has family reunions.
The North has switchblade knives. The South has Lee Press-on Nails.
The North has double last names. The South has double first names.
The North has Ted Kennedy. The South has Jesse Helms.
The North has an ambulance. The South has an amalance.
The North has Indy car races. The South has stock car races.
The North has Cream of Wheat. The South has grits.
The North has green salads. The South has collard greens.
The North has lobsters. The South has crawdads.
The North has the rust belt. The South has the Bible Belt.
AND
If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a more...

Two Southerners were having the blue plate special at their favorite
watering hole, when they heard an awful choking sound. They turned
around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing
down a Specialty Burger too fast.
The first Southerner said to the other, "Think we otta hep?"
"Yep," said the second.
The First Southerner got up and walked over to the lady and asked,
"Kin yew breathe?"
She shook her head no.
"Kin yew speak?" he asked.
She again shook her head no.
With that he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and licked
her on the butt. She was so shocked that she coughed up the
obstruction and began to breathe with great relief.
The First Southerner turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how
that there Hind Lick Maneuver works ever' time."

Got this one from an ex-Noo Yawkah who now lives in a suburb of Los Angeles! "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex." "Duct tape won't fix that." "Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken." "We don't keep firearms in this house." "Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?" "You can't feed that to the dog." "No kids in the back of the pickup, it's not safe." "Wrasslin's fake." "I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy." "Who's Richard Petty?" "Give me the small bag of pork rinds." "Deer heads detract from the decor." "Spittin' is such a nasty habit." "Trim the fat off that steak." "The tires on that truck are too big." "I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad." "I've got it all on a floppy disk." "Unsweetened tea tastes better." "Would you like your fish poached or broiled?" "My more...

Northerners visiting the South Information for Northerners Visiting the Southern States

If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the south, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in life styles:

1. If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel-drive pickup truck with a 12-pack of beer and a towchain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

2. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.

3. Remember: "Y'all" is singular, "All y'all" is plural, and "All y'alls'" is plural possessive.

4. Get used to hearing "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

5. You may hear a Southerner say "Oughta!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Y'all oughta not do more...

Northerners visiting the South Information for Northerners Visiting the Southern StatesIf you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the south, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in life styles: 1. If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel-drive pickup truck with a 12-pack of beer and a towchain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. 2. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store. 3. Remember: "Y'all" is singular, "All y'all" is plural, and "All y'alls'" is plural possessive. 4. Get used to hearing "You ain't from around here, are ya?"5. You may hear a Southerner say "Oughta!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Y'all oughta not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!"6. Don't be worried more...